#i’m emotionally unstable and i DID cry over the dogs

[starstruckodysseys]

this is the most important make some noise episode ever

[moving-wright-along]

tim for the yandere alphabet ?

For this I’m going for a CP vibe, so this is mainly Masky behavior, but I don’t think he really wears the mask around his darling. 

TW: Not to bad, mentions of hitting and abuse. Murder and whatnot. Yanderes are very unhealthy in real life babes!!!!!! 

Affection: How do they show their love and affection? How intense would it get?

Before meeting you, Tim wasn’t a very touchy or affectionate person. Although that changes when he finally has you safe in his arms, he becomes almost suffocatingly affectionate at times. He’ll trap you in a bear hug, your face pressed into his chest and his limbs wrapped tight around you. Good luck getting out any time soon, because he’s going to get his daily snuggle time. 

Blood: How messy are they willing to get when it comes to their darling?

Very. Bloody. His first plan wouldn’t be to kill all your friends and family, but he certainly would if he felt like he had to. He can’t have anyone prying into things they shouldn’t see, or trying to take you away from him, so if he thinks someone is close to getting in the way, they’re gone.

Cruelty: How would they treat their darling once abducted? Would they mock them?

He would only be mocking or cruel if his darling didn’t immediately accept him. He’s going to become frustrated and angry at every little snap or cry, god forbid you try pushing him away or fighting back, because that’s when he’s gonna get really pissed off. He’s a naturally very angry person, and not even his darling is totally protected from it. 

Darling: Aside from abduction, would they do anything against their darling’s will?

Snuggling for sure. Especially in the beginning when you’re still scared of him. Just like in Affection, he’ll trap you in his arms for hours until you calm down and accept his love. 

He also likes to control what you wear and do. You’ll be put into a lot of his clothes, or just things he think you’d look cute in. He likes having as much control as possible, so he enjoys picking things like that out for you. 

Exposed: How much of their heart do they bare to their darling? How vulnerable are they when it comes to their darling?

Tim remains completely closed off, emotionally, even to his darling. In his mind, it’s his job to remain strong and protect you, so he always has to be on guard. There are points sometimes though where those walls will come down, and you’ll see how he really feels. 

Fight: How would they feel if their darling fought back?

Like I mentioned in Cruelty, he’d be incredibly frustrated and confused. He’s given you everything you could need, what more do you want??? If his darling fights back, he’ll become a lot more likely to punish them or take away rights, so they’ll be forced to see just how much they need him. 

Game: Is this a game to them? How much would they enjoy watching their darling try to escape?

This. Is. Not. A. Game. He’d be BEYOND pissed off if his darling even tried to escape, not to even mention if they succeeded. If his darling managed to get out, well, first of all good luck, because now you’re just lost in the middle of a forest with other killers and an eldritch being in it. And second of all, he’s going to get blinding tunnel vision. He’s not going to rest until he’s caught you and dragged you home by your hair. He doesn’t care how much you scream or cry or beg- you betrayed him. 

Hell: What would be their darling’s worst experience with them?

(Maybe not the worst, but definitely still bad. The first time you realized just how willing he is to hurt you if you defy him.)

“I...I’m sorry, baby, but you know you shouldn’t make me mad like that.”

You flinch away from him when his gloved hand reaches up to stroke your swollen cheek, wiping away a tear. He pulls your cowering body in close, pressing your red face to his chest. 

“Don’t ever do that again. Okay? Next time, I might not be able to hold back.”

Ideals: What kind of future do they have in mind for/with their darling?

Tim hasn’t thought much about the future in specifics. Overall, he just wants to live out this ‘normal’ fantasy, in your own little world where everything is okay. This is his future. Coming home after work everyday to his darling, that’s all. 

Jealousy: Do they get jealous? Do they lash out or find a way to cope? 

He’s extremely jealous. Of everything. Before he whisked you away, his skin would start to itch at any little interaction you had. The waiter’s playful banter, the girl who complimented your outfit, the dog you stopped to pet- He mostly just bottled it up and seethed in private. 

Kisses: How do they act around or with their darling?

He tries (keyword, tries) to make your relationship as normal as possible. Of course his concept of ‘normal’ is a little distorted at this point. Very suffocating and overprotective. You’ve very rarely find yourselves in separate areas of the house, because he’ll always want to be with you. 

Love letters: How would they go about courting or approaching their darling?

He doesn’t. He silently pined after them then kidnapped them when it became too much for him to handle. They probably had no idea he was even romantically interested in them. 

Mask: Are their true colors drastically different from the way they act around everyone else?

He’s more laid back around his darling once he starts trusting them more, but he hides any semblance of you and being in love around others. Not because it’s weak or he’s ‘hiding his true, soft self’ or whatever, but because he’s literally that paranoid of someone taking you away. 

Naughty: How would they punish their darling?

His go-to is isolation. Locking you up in your room for a few days with only the bare minimum of what you need to survive. This way, maybe you’ll be a little more grateful for everything he does for you once you’re let out. And while violence isn’t his first choice and he doesn’t like purposefully hurting his darling like that, he can and has lost control before. 

Oppression: How many rights would they take away from their darling? 

Mentioned above in Naughty. He’d take away essentially everything if he felt like he had to. You’d might as well be in solitary confinement. He might even chain you up if you’ve done something he’s deemed unforgivable, like trying to escape. 

Patience: How patient are they with their darling?

His patience with his darling is higher than it is with anyone else, but that’s not really saying much. He can be forgiving if his darlings makes a genuine mistake, not so much if they defy him on purpose. 

Quit: If their darling dies, leaves, or successfully escapes, would they ever be able to move on?

If his darling escaped- absolutely not. He’d kick himself every minute of every day, thinking about what he could’ve done better to make you stay (more accurately, how he could’ve better trapped you). If you got out, you’d better hope they’ll accept you into Witness Protection, because he’s going to be hunting you down for the rest of your lives. He won’t accept anything else. 

He’s even more devastated if his darling dies. ESPECIALLY if you die while in his care. Any sanity he might’ve had left would fray and snap, leaving him an empty shell and completely unstable. 

Regret: Would they ever feel guilty about abducting their darling? Would they ever let their darling go?

He’d feel bad about it if his darling cried a lot or clearly said that they missed their home/family. And while he would feel bad that they were upset, he would never consider giving them up. Sure they’re sad but it’s for the best. He’s the only one that can keep you safe, after all. 

Stigma: What brought about this side of them (childhood, curiosity, etc)?

Pretty much every person that’s been important to Tim has either died or abandoned him. He stays so protective and possessive of his darling because he can’t handle losing another person- especially not his darling. 

Tears: How do they feel about seeing their darling scream, cry, and/or isolate themselves?

He’d feel bad if he did something to make his darling cry, but he might start getting irritated if they were yelling or being loud. His solution is usually to let you just cry it out and get over it. All you need is a little time to adjust, you’ll learn to love him soon enough. 

Unique: Would they do anything different from the classic yandere?

The only thing that may be different than typical yandere behavior is that he at least tries to act sweet and caring and at least kind of normal.

Vice: What weakness can their darling exploit in order to escape?

He can be mean as sin sometimes but he still has a soft spot for his darling. He can definitely be manipulated by his darling if they play along with his little fantasy. I don’t think he could be sweet talked into giving you anything that might aid your escape, though, he’s ultra paranoid about that. But you can certainly trick him into giving you more rights or whatever else it is you might want. Snuggle up to him, initiate affection, tell him you love him even if you’re lying through your teeth- he’ll melt like putty. 

Wit’s end: Would they ever hurt their darling?

Not on purpose, but when he does he’s the king of gaslighting you into thinking it was your fault somehow. 

Xoanon: How much would they revere or worship their darling? To what length would they go to win their darling over?

How much he worships his darling would depend on them. If his darling accepts his love and returns it? 100%. He’ll do his absolute damndest to treat you like royalty. He’d also try pretty fucking hard to get you to that point of loving him back- he doesn’t want you to pretend to love him, he wants you to love him as much as he loves you. If his darling is good, he’ll reward them frequently to try and win them over. 

Yearn: How long do they pine after their darling before they snap?

A pretty long time, actually. You probably just start off as a friend or acquaintance, and he keeps you at arm’s length for a long time. Tim has convinced himself that getting close to people only gets them hurt, but he catches himself thinking about you so often, and he starts to spiral. He needs you, but what if you get hurt because of him? What if you get taken away like everyone else? This thought eventually spirals into you need him. He needs to save you from this cruel world, and protect you. To answer the question, it’s probably at least a few months. 

Zenith: Would they ever break their darling?

Again, not on purpose, but it’s certainly possible depending on what kind of person his darling is. Accidently breaking his darling is probably one of his worst nightmares. 

[ddixons-angel]

Fated: Season 2

Summary: Gloria Rhee narrowly escapes Atlanta with her brother as the outbreak reaches the city. Luckily, they find a camp outside the city and together, they fend through encounters with the living and undead.

Starts a little before Season 1 and then follows the main storyline of the show.

Pairing: Daryl Dixon x Glenn Sister!OC

Warnings: major TWD spoilers, language, violence (the typical TWD stuff), self-harm

A/N: So I found out this morning that I just hit 104 followers, thank you to everyone’s support! I really really appreciate each and every one of you and I hope I don’t disappoint you guys with my writing. Anyway, enough of my rambling, on to Chapter 7!

Chapter 7

Gloria wakes up in Daryl’s tent, only to find it empty as she looks around. They had moved his tent back closer to the main camp the night before. Gloria puts on her jean jacket over her army green tank top then gets out of the tent, finding the crutches on a tree right by the tent. She hops over on her good leg to the tree and mounts the crutches. She sees Daryl over by Shane’s truck as he’s getting ready to go out and look for Glenn, Rick, and Hershel. The sound of a car zooming onto the property catches everyone’s attention. Hershel stepped out of the car first, relieving everyone that they were all back, safe.

“Patricia, get the shed ready for surgery.” Hershel calls out.

Gloria frowns at this, “surgery... that can’t be good.” she makes her way to the car, letting out a breath of relief when she sees Rick and Glenn come out seemingly unharmed.

Glenn looks over towards Gloria and nods to her, wordlessly telling her that he’s fine, she smiles and nods back. Maggie runs over to Glenn and hugs him tightly. 

“Who the hell is that?” T-Dog asks aloud, pointing to the blindfolded teenager in the backseat.

“His name is Randall.” Glenn answers simply, pushing Maggie gently off him. 

He makes his way over to help Rick carry the semi-conscious Randall into the shed where Hershel had already walked off to. Sitting around the dining table, they all discuss what to do about the newly found stranger. 

“He’s a threat, his friends shot at Rick and Glenn, we need to get rid of him.” Shane voices out his opinion.

Rick nods at this, “I agree, he is a threat. We’ll drive out with him blindfolded so he can’t find his way back here, leave him out there with supplies to get by for a bit.”

“No, what if his group finds him here before he heals up?” Shane argues, regardless of Rick agreeing with him at first.

“They’re not looking for him, they left him for dead.” Rick assures. 

“And you’re sure he won’t be able to find his way back to the farm?” Gloria asks, referring to the first plan Rick had explained.

“We brought him here blindfolded and we’ll do the same when we drop him out there. He won’t know where this place is.” Rick says confidently.

With Rick’s plan being the final decision, he and Shane wait for Hershel to finish with the surgery before consulting with him and to their surprise, he agrees to the idea. They take the now unconscious Randall and load him up in the trunk, making sure to tie him up and blindfold him beforehand. 

Hershel goes off to check on Beth, and Gloria follows him, “she had a fever before, but it’s gone down a fair bit. We made sure to keep her fed and hydrated until you came back.” she updates him.

Her words make Hershel look at her, “do you have any background in the medical field, young lady?”

“I studied in Health Sciences and interned for a few years at a hospital.” she shrugs.

A pleasantly shocked expression spreads on Hershel’s face, “well then, how come you didn’t bother to help me with the surgery?” he chuckles.

“I didn’t want to overstep my boundaries, especially with everything that happened in the last week.” Gloria explains.

Hershel nods, smiling softly at her, “I’m glad you’re this thoughtful, completely different from a certain individual in your group.”

Gloria chuckles, “Shane... he hasn’t always been this way, although I can’t say for sure since I only met him a few months ago.”

She glances over her shoulder as Maggie walks into the room, a serious and disapproving look on her face as she looks at her father. Sensing the tension, Gloria excuses herself and hobbles out of the room, giving the father-daughter some privacy. Gloria makes her way down the steps and to the main camp where she sees Glenn, looking rather distressed. 

“You look stressed,” she calls out, “what’s wrong?”

He sighs, “Maggie told me she loves me.”

Gloria blinks at this answer, confused, “shouldn’t you be happy about that?”

“Maybe if we were still living in a world where we aren’t always in danger or fighting for our lives.” Glenn says, shaking his head. 

“Sit down.” she sighs, then takes a seat beside him as well, “talk to me, bro, what happened?”

He takes a deep breath, “when I was with Rick and Hershel at that bar, we had a run in with Randall’s people, had a shootout and Rick and Hershel were depending on me to help them get out of there but... but I froze, I was scared.”

“Hey, it’s normal to be scared during a gunfight.” Gloria tries to comfort him.

“It’s not that simple.” he sighs again, “I wasn’t scared for myself, I was scared for Maggie. I was scared that if anything happened to me, she’d get hurt. I never have to worry about you like that because you’re the badass in the family, yeah sure you’ll hurt for a bit but you’ll get over it, but Maggie isn’t the same.”

Gloria looks to the ground, she ponders whether or not to tell him that it would kill her if anything happened to him, but decided against it since Glenn was relying on her to comfort him, “Then you go in guns blazing and make sure you make it back in one piece. Be extra careful, that’s all there is to it.”

Glenn rolls his eyes at that, “that’s a lot easier said than done.”

“Glenn,” she looks at him seriously, “do you love Maggie?”

He blushes slightly at the question then nods, “I do.”

“I think you should tell her.” Gloria smiles, happy for him.

Glenn shrugs, “I’ll think about it.”

“What is with you guys and saying you’ll think about it when you know you’re already gonna do it.” Gloria rolls her eyes and scoffs. 

“What?” Glenn raises an eyebrow, “who else are you referring to?”

“No one, just talking in general.” she says, leaning her arms on her knees. 

Later on in the day, Glenn had left Gloria at the tents to go keep Dale company with T-Dog on top of the RV. Maggie and Andrea were supposed to all be in the house looking after Beth who had woken up as she was emotionally unstable. Hershel was tending to his crops with Patricia. Gloria watches from the tents as Maggie comes out of the house and shortly after Andrea comes out of the house as well. She frowns at this as she wasn’t sure where Lori was and someone was supposed to keep an eye on Beth at all times. Grabbing her crutches, Gloria hobbles to the house and makes her way up the steps, struggling slightly but still making it. 

“Beth?” she calls out as she enters the house, making her way into the room she was supposed to be in. 

Gloria gets to Beth’s room and frowns when she sees that it’s empty, she hears footsteps from behind her, “where’s Beth?” Maggie asks once she also sees the room is empty.

“I don’t know, I saw you and Andrea leave the house so I just got here to check up on her.” Gloria explains. 

Maggie’s about to say something else when they both turn at the sound of glass shattering from the closed door of the bathroom. Panicked, Maggie runs to the door and starts trying to open it, banging on the door and calling out to Beth. 

“Beth? Beth, sweetie, open the door, please! I’m not mad, come out Bethie, I’m not mad.” Maggie desperately calls out for her sister.

The commotion causes Lori to come into the room, immediately realizing what’s going on; she whispers that she left her with Andrea. Lori frantically looks around and quickly grabs a crowbar leaning on the wall by the fireplace. Lori ushers the two others to move as she pries the door open, revealing a crying Beth as she holds onto her bloody wrist.

“I’m sorry.” Beth sobs out.

Maggie tears up and whimpers as she enters the bathroom, attempting to soothe her younger sister. Gloria turns to Lori and asks her to go get Hershel, she nods and heads out. Maggie, Gloria and Lori are outside on the porch as Hershel stitches up Beth’s wrist, Gloria and Lori trying to comfort Maggie. Andrea had made her way to the porch, rushing as she heard what happened. 

“Where the hell were you?” Maggie walks up to Andrea as soon as she sees her.

“I heard, is she alright?” Andrea asks, breathless.

“If you stayed with her, then she would be.” Maggie crosses her arms, “where were you?”

Ignoring her question, Andrea asks, “how bad is she?”

“Not that deep.” Lori tells her, as Gloria eyes the blonde. 

A smile grows on Andrea’s face, “she chose to live.” 

“Beth just tried to kill herself, my dad’s stitching up her wrist right now!” Maggie says, furious.

“She’ll live.” Andrea says arrogantly, and that was the last straw for Gloria.

She throws her crutches down the porch, startling Lori, and makes her way down the porch and grabs Andrea’s arm, pulling her away, “What the hell is wrong with you?”

Annoyed now, Andrea yanks her arm out of Gloria’s grip, “I did nothing wrong! Beth made her choice and she chose to live!”

Gloria scoffs at this, “are you stupid?! Do you actually believe that you did the right thing by leaving her alone?!” 

“I do, I am right, because Beth now wants to live, she realized that she wants to live.” Andrea still adamant on her answer. 

“Do you have any idea how lucky you got with that?” Gloria says, glaring at Andrea, “What if she really did want to die? What if she did die? Or what if she wanted to take it back, realizing she wants to live only when it’s too damn late?! What if she cut too deep and Hershel wasn’t able to stitch her back up, did you ever think about that?! If Beth died today, her blood would be on your hands. Now you look me in the eye and tell me you can take responsibility for that.” 

Andrea looks down, ashamed and defeated, she cowers, giving her answer to Gloria’s last question as a silent no.

“Yeah, I didn’t think so.” Gloria backs off, “stay away from Beth and Maggie.”

Embarrassed and ashamed, Andrea turns around and walks away from the house. Lori and Maggie had gone back into the house. Gloria picked up the crutches she had thrown out of anger and mounted them again, making her way to the tents, not wanting to swarm Beth since there were enough people in the house. 

---

Rick and Shane had returned from their trip to drop off Randall, however, they had brought him back to the farm as they had learned that he knew who Maggie was. This made him an even bigger danger to the group now because even blindfolded, he knew how to get back to the farm. He could potentially lead his old group to them, possibly for vengeance towards Rick as he had killed some of their people. Daryl was in the barn where they had imprisoned the teenager, interrogating him. The others were waiting for him to come out at the tents. Gloria was leaning on a tree, keeping her eye on the barn and once she saw Daryl coming out, she pushed herself off the tree, mounting her crutches. 

“Boy there’s got a gang, thirty men. They got heavy artillery and they ain’ lookin’ to make friends. They roll through here, our boys are dead. And our women, they’re gonna wish they were.” Daryl explains once he gets close enough to the group, his eyes glancing to Gloria as he says his last sentence. 

Rick nods at the information gained, “That’s it, he’s a confirmed threat and he has to go. I’ll do it, tonight.” 

Daryl escapes to his tent as Gloria heads over to Dale’s RV where she kept her first aid kit. She’d noticed that Daryl’s knuckles were bloody after interrogating Randall. She hobbles her way over to his tent and sits down beside him. He was fumbling with his crossbow when she got to him and he stops moving when she holds her hand out to him.

“Hand.” she says simply.

Daryl squints at her, “What, are ya treating me like yer dog now?” 

Gloria rolls her eyes at his reluctance then chuckles, she reaches over and gently grabs his hand, placing it in her lap as she opens the first aid kit. She starts to clean the wounds from dried blood and dirt, then patches them up with bandages. 

“I’d hate to see the other guy.” Gloria jokes as she finishes up with one hand, then moves on to the other. 

Daryl smirks as he watches her work, “hey... stay away from him, ya hear?”

“Honestly, I was thinking of going to see how he was doing after I was done patching you up.” Gloria tells him truthfully, her professionalism getting in the way.

“Nah, ya ain’ goin’. I don’ want ya near that piece o’ shit.” Daryl scowls. 

“I’ve dealt with worse, Daryl. When I worked at a hospital I’ve patched up gangsters in the ER, they were much more dangerous than this kid, I can handle him.” she says, placing the last of the bandage on his hand.

“Ya ain’ goin’ near that damn barn!” Daryl raises his voice, making her look up at him, “ya ain’ a nurse no more, ya don’ need to be a damn professional. Rick’s gon’ kill him tonight anyway so what’s the point of patchin’ him up?!” he tries to hide the hint of jealousy in his voice, Daryl’s blood boiled at the thought of Gloria patching up anyone else but him, Glenn being an exception. 

Gloria sighs and nods, “you’re right. I guess I just wanted to make myself feel more useful.”

“Ya are useful, even if ya don’ patch the kid up.” Daryl takes his hand back from Gloria once she’s done treating him, he wraps his arm around her shoulders and pulls her close to him, kissing her temple gently. Gloria smiles shyly, staying in his embrace as she wraps an arm around his waist.

---

Next Chapter

I had the hardest time trying to find this specific gif haha but it was worth it! Yep so Daryl is pretty protective of Gloria now, which I think is very sweet~ And the little moments of fluff at the end, aren’t they cute?? :D 

I hope everyone stays safe and healthy, please don’t panic, we will get through this!

And as always, I would really appreciate any comments left for me! I’ll be replying to any comments in a new post because this is a sideblog!

Taglist (please let me know if you’d list to be added/removed!):

@twdeadfanfic​ | @fandomfanatic97​ | @crossbowking​ | @watchmeaspire​ | @spidergirla5​ | @kamieshep​ | @letsstarsfalling​ | @molethemollie​

[docudiariesunlocked]

Genius X.

Genius, such a genius I am for falling in love with you.

Genius, you made me feel amazing, ethereal, it’s been so long since we’ve been over and, why...why do I still feel gross, hideous?

I’m actually jealous.

It’s really been 6 years apart huh?

And I still think about the good, the bad, the raw and real whatevership we had.

I drag the memories along like a leashed dog, like a Russian doll.

You’d think I’d be over it by now huh?

Your sign is a goat, but you ain’t the GOAT.

I’m mad.

Every lover after you, couldn’t even get as close to you.

I’m upset that I was ready to give you all of me, and you were just posting up a quarter.

Was that all I was worth?

So many obstacles could’ve been avoided, so many issues could’ve been resolved.

I understand you couldn’t do everything but you used to mean everything to me.

All I have left are these memories that haunt me when I’m sealed away in my room.

Too many assumptions were made, and I wish you told me that night that you didn’t like me.

I could’ve slept better at night.

Genius, you are.

When you hit me up after the 4th year, I asked you if we could see each other.

I just wanted to talk to you, you couldn’t even give me that.

You shouldn’t have messaged me.

I believe I’m emotionally unstable, emotionally insane.

And it’s not just you, it’s everything that came after you.

Now, I need to go to the holy land and cleanse myself.

Suffocate my soul in holy water.

I no longer want these memories of you anymore.

I don’t want to see you anymore, the way I used to before.

I never needed you, my emotions felt like it did though.

I’m not mad, I’m not angry.

Simply over this agony, in need of a real redemption and praying for an epiphany.

I cannot live in the dark blue ocean anymore, I’ll turn into something I’m not.

I wish nothing had stopped you for completely loving me, but you’ve taught me a life lesson.

Put your priorities first, then as value to them.

I could either cry about this forever, or move on and forget it even happened.

I’ll play one last song, that’ll remind me of you.

After today, it’ll be for myself and whoever wants me forever.

You were my X to my O, but you’re simply just an X.

Genius.

[monsterdoodles]

Thoughts on Steven Universe Future 3-13-2020

Together Forever: This episode was a lot less about Steven and Connie, and more about just Steven than expected.

Connie has some plans for college, but we don’t quite get to know what her career goals are exactly. She’s planning on getting into politics, but I’m not sure at what level or what branch. Not that that matters to the episode too much or anything. The University of Jayhawk is all the across the country from Delmarva. This is a distance that Steven cannot emotionally handle right now. Upon this realization, he sinks down into his bed, part of his “floating” powers.

It is good to see that he and Connie keep in touch at least over video calls. On a slightly more concerning note, Steven has memorized Connie’s schedule down to the minute.

Garnet says at the end of the episode, that there was no future in which Steven wouldn’t propose to Connie. I’m guessing had he talked to Garnet instead, he would have proposed to her out of spite or in an effort to prove Garnet wrong.

Instead of Garnet, we do get Ruby and Sapphire this episode. Steven doesn’t seem too surprised by their appearance in this episode, so I imagine that they have been teaching these classes for a while. Ruby is doing some kind of nature scout class, did she make those badges herself, or are they part of a nationally recognized scout organization? Either way she’s teaching some gems and Onion about the beauty of nature. Steven tells her about how Connie seems to really have her life together and knows what she is doing.

I can see a parallel here with Ruby and Sapphire, and Steven and Connie. In this particular case, Steven is Ruby. He doesn’t have the foresight that Connie does right now. He, in a way, lacks future vision.

Ruby, either lacking the knowledge of what might be socially acceptable or being too excited about prospect of Steven expressing his love, tells Steven that he should propose to her. Ruby’s logic here is that it worked for her. She ignores the fact that she and Sapphire had been together for over 5000 years and that they are adults.

Steven visits Sapphire as well, she is teaching a class on alternate timelines. I wonder what that entails exactly. I suppose that they do all of those equations that she explained to Steven, but with the understanding that the future still isn’t as predictable as one might think. She also encourages Steven to propose to Connie despite the fact that she is aware of the sociological implications of this, but she’s a hopeless romantic about it anyways.

Steven declare to the gems, that this will be his last day as Steven Cutie-Pie Demayo Diamond Quartz Universe. Interesting that that interaction with Garnet from almost 4 years ago left that impression on him. That is the same day that he learned about future vision, so I suppose that just stuck in his mind. Also, was he planning to take Connie’s last name or add Maheswaran to his plethora of middle names (that he thinks belongs on official documents for some reason).

He makes his plan. He gets jam, glow sticks and cake. On top of the world, he dresses his best and asks her out from outside her window. He says they’ll be back in 15 minutes (this reminds of an episode of How I Met Your Mother, but the season and name escape me).

At the beach, in the same place they first met, Steven has a picnic set up. Had this just be a romantic gesture or a proposal to date, not marriage, things probably would have gone a lot better for him. Connie responds well to all this. She has been shown to have romantic feelings for Steven in the past, she attempted to kiss him in An Indirect Kiss and she successfully kissed him on the cheek in the movie. Steven sings his song with the sentiment of “I want to be me with you”. The lyrics of which, like many love songs in my opinion, have a codependent quality to them. Steven doesn’t know his future, so he wants someone else to be his future, to be someone else.

Connie, very sensibly, says no. They are young, have never discussed this, and I’m pretty sure they aren’t even an item. She also tells him, “It’s a not now” because there is plenty of time. Steven is in his unending quest for stability, and he still hasn’t found it.  Throughout this conversation Connie and Steven occupy opposite spaces on screen. They are in different places in their lives right now, sure and unsure, stable and unstable.

I think if Steven were around more teens his age, he might not be feeling this way, so much at least. He would realize how many people don’t have their lives figured out at this age. Many people his age just want to graduate high school. He really needs to talk to Greg about this. Greg wanted to be a musician, but he was also a community college drop out. He didn’t have everything figured out. (I’m pretty sure this will be part of next week’s episodes in some way)

Connie is willing to stick around when her alarm goes off. Steven tells her to go, probably because he doesn’t want to burden her and because he won’t be holding it together for long. As soon as she leaves, he lies back and creates a crater. The shockwaves ruining the picnic. He lies there until dark.

When he gets up, Garnet is there. She explains to him the inevitability of this situation. She tells him that the hole he is trying to fill won’t be filled by Connie or Stevonnie. Connie is not his “missing piece”. In this scene, Garnet is towering and Steven feels almost as small as his younger self. I think this accentuates how young and foolish Steven was this episode. He holds a frustrated look during this conversation. He says he blames Garnet for making this all look so easy. Reminds me of Cry for Help/Friendship. Pearl had felt the same way about Ruby and Sapphire/Garnet. Steven and Pearl craved that perceived perfection.

Steven then eats his feelings.

Growing Pains: I was wrong in my prediction that Steven would either be stuck in pink mode or have a human ailment.

The episode opens with a scene from the newest instalment of dogcopter. In the movie, Dogcopter proposes to a dog named Drew. Steven laments the fact that “everyone else is getting married”. He continues to eat his feelings like at the ending of last episode, and then his body starts getting out of control. He keeps growing sporadically. He mostly ignores it because it doesn’t hurt him physically.

He wants to reach out to someone who isn’t Connie right now. He can’t reach the gems, so he calls Greg, who is on tour with Sadie and Shep right now. Greg is having a great time, and Steven won’t rain on that parade, even when Greg offers to call him back. He almost wants to call Connie, but she calls him instead. His shapeshifting forces him to answer her call.

He can no longer hide what’s going on with him, since it is manifesting physically. Connie suggests that he should see a doctor. He doesn’t want to bother anyone even when he is physically unwell. He even describes it as a waste of time. Connie persuades him.

Steven pays Doctor Maheswaran a visit, Connie escorts him in. As soon as Connie leaves the room for them to conduct tests, she calls Greg.

This episode really explores how both human and gem Steven really is. He has a human body and it is effected like a human body is. But he is also a gem, it makes his body react unusually and if he’s fractured skeleton is any indication, it is keeping him alive.

Dr. Maheswaran finds out about Steven’s physical traumas through his x-ray. She asks him if he had any particularly traumatic experiences. Steven basically recalls the entire show. Dr. Maheswaran goes on to describe the physical aspects of trauma and the way the body reacts in a way I don’t think I’ve ever seen in any piece of fictional media. Steven’s body is trying to protect him from danger that isn’t there anymore. Minor stress to him is now the equivalent to major stress. To make things worse, he feels as though his support system is gone.

When he thinks back to the proposal, things go haywire. As his body continues to grow in size, he takes up more and more of the room. He is almost too big to fit. There is nowhere left for him to hide. He yells “I can’t be around you right now” much in the way he yelled “I just want to fix it” back in Volleyball. His yell shatters the windows.

Greg finally arrives, revealing that Connie had called him. Connie still very much cares about Steven. He explains to Greg that everything feels like the end of the world to him now.

Receiving understanding and support from Greg is what gets Steven to go back to his normal size. At home he continues to explain his fears and worries. All of which, as Greg explains, are normal. Steven now knows what his problem is, or at least one aspect of it, but I don’t think his problems are solved just yet. From the way he “swells up” in response to stress in this episode, I think something big is about to happen in the show. Something so big, that for his body to protect him from it, he will grow into the giant monster from the opening theme song.

Predictions for next week:

Discussion of leaks ahead

Mr. Universe: Still no episode description for this one, but I imagine this is where Steven crashes the van. Steven is still not in a great place right now, and while he seems more willing to talk about things, his body is still reacting in a way that is unsafe for him and others. I believe that this will lead to the van crashing. As others have pointed out, this episode may involve Pearl because she played a big part in the episode Mr. Greg. I still somehow think this episode will be the story of how Rose decided to have Steven, if not it will be about how Greg made the decision to drop out of college and take on the rockstar persona Mr. Universe.

Fragments: This is where that first leak came from, the “leave me alone I need space one”. I’m still not 100% sure what “fragments” is in reference to. Others I have discussed with have suggested memories. I am not entirely sure the direction of this.

[chilly-me-softly]

James commenting on your sudden weight gain and his comments really offend you and after a while you find out you are pregnant but don't tell him at first as you want to trick him with like eating a lot of food lately and just casually saying you have to eat for two now as he comments on it again and that's when he realises it. Okay weird one but pretty funny as well x

"I'm going" James walks into the living room while you're lying on the couch, his gym bag on his shoulder.

"Okay" you greet him bringing another chip to your lips.

"Are you sure you don't want to come?  A little activity I think..."

"Don't finish that sentence James if you care about your life" suddenly the movie becomes uninteresting, you find yourself pointing a finger at him looking at him badly.

"No babe, I just wanted to-"

"Didn't you have to go?" he looks at you uncertain before he sighs and the next thing you hear is the door closing. You kick the couch in frustration, barely holding back a scream, then marching to your room and ferociously wiping a tear from your face.

"That idiot doesn't deserve my tears" you lie on the bed once you put the headphones on and turn up the volume to try not to think. You know you've gained weight lately, even though you've been working and eating normally. But a few mornings ago your pants didn't want to close and you were forced to go out in your suit, James laughed at the situation even though you just wanted to cry and that's why you broke down earlier. You are not the most confident girl in the world, you have fought so hard to have the body you have now, made many sacrifices and even if you know he's playing with you well you can't help but feel your stomach closing every time he giggles.

The silent treatment is what he gets from when he comes home until you go to bed, no matter what he says or does. You bet he's had abs since he came out of his mother's womb, it doesn't matter he has to follow a diet, it's not like eating ice cream could go straight to his hips.

Then a friend of yours asks you a weird question. You hadn't thought of it before, but it's a possibility. It could explain a lot if the pregnancy test came back positive. And it is.

That afternoon you come home still shocked and emotionally unstable, you've just found out you're expecting a baby. James. You smile softly as you walk into the kitchen, he's not there and for a moment you let yourself go off dancing around in the silliest way you know how. Then you think about how to tell James.

He comes back a few hours later, you greet him as if nothing at all had happened in those days and he's surprised. He asks you what's wrong, but you shrug back and forth between the fridge and the kitchen counter where two huge slices of bread are waiting for you and you are in the middle of the filling.

"(Y/N), are you okay? I don't want to fight again but lately you are... weird with food and if there's something wrong you can tell me about it" you spread ketchup on the sandwich before closing the package with a loud click.

"Well you know the usual, I have to eat for two, a little stress..." you throw it in there while he laughs at you and rolls his eyes. "Yeah, for you and your stomach"

He is about to leave the room when he suddenly stops, you can see his shoulders stretch and you grin before it disappears giving room for a neutral expression when James turns to look at you. "What did you say?"

"Nothing yet" you smile sardonically as he approaches.

"Are you-are you pregnant?" a smile opens up on your face as you nod.

"Why didn't you tell me before?"

"Because I didn't know, James" and his lips are on yours in a flash, his hands on either side of your head to kiss you all over like you're a dog. And you find yourself laughing and trying to push him away as best you can.

"Let that be a lesson to you, James Maddison, never ever comment on a girl's weight gain. That may be true, but you just don't"

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" he sighs looking you in the eye, "but that's okay, it means the baby's growing up healthy and strong, right?" and you can't help but roll your eyes.

[neshabeingchildish]

24. Medical School & Mommyhood

Detemined: A Chasper Fic

Imagine, if you will, Uncle Roscoe - a very sizable man with long locs, singing This Woman's Work, in a true classical Soprano…

all that his niece Charlotte wants to do is rest because she spent hours working as he sings about to push a tiny human out of her body. Her husband, Jasper, an Uncle Roscoe enthusiast and a lover of emotional displays is visibly very emotionally shaken by this lovely gesture as he holds in his arms their small child.

As Charlotte's patience wears thin, Uncle Roscoe's performance gets thicker and when he croons, "Oh Darling, make it go…"

"I'll make YOU go!" She practically shrieks.

Jasper gasps, but rubs the back of her neck, lovingly, “She’s tired, Uncle Rox. That was the most beautiful gift that anybody has given us, since this, the day of our daughter’s birth…” He winced, “Baby’s birth! Baby’s birth!” He said and smiled at winked at Charlotte. 

She had been trying to program him from treating their child like a son or daughter, so whenever the baby finally came out and she realized that they were in that female presenting body, she cried. She knew that meant a harder time for this kid, but Jasper cheered, “I have a daughter!” And, well… That was just gonna mess up the footage, wasn’t it? What if Jasper Jr isn’t a girl? She was very preoccupied with the thought, because now, she felt like Jasper had gotten off of the page of how she wanted to raise kids. How they agreed to raise their kids before she could ever agree to carrying one full term! If he saw Jasper Jr as his “little girl,” he might treat her that way and while Jasper was very progressive in a lot of ways, he still had some of that good old fashioned sexism in his DNA and she just wanted whoever they were to be someone that if the world was gonna put stipulations and limitations on… their parents at least would never.

Jasper held the baby close, most of the time. Charlotte was in a lot of pain and discomfort. She wasn’t the “physical pain” type. She abhorred it and had never handled it well. If Jasper could have switched places with her and took on all of the pain and discomfort, he would have. He didn’t say that to her, because he thought it would seem like a frivolous platitude, but she knew deep down inside that was the kind of person he was. He would do anything for her to not hurt. Whenever he handed Baby Jasper back to her, he went to escort Uncle Roscoe out of the hospital. 

Charlotte looked down at this brown baby person with brown eyes, stretched wide, but unable to focus, the softest and curliest of curls that she had ever seen and a slightly too big onesie that Jasper must’ve put on them when Charlotte was asleep that had “My Daddy loves me more than the WHOLE world!” and a drawing of a heart shaped Earth. “You are this whole world.” Jasper sniffled and Charlotte glanced up. She hadn’t noticed that he was back until then. Maybe he had just returned. He quickly made his way to the bed and rested next to them. “Daddy’s back.”

“So, we didn’t get a chance to fill out their birth certificate. I know that you’ve called them Jasper Jr most of the time, but I didn’t think you’d want that on official paperwork, since Jr. is usually gender specific to boys, and because there’s no way we’re giving them my middle name, even if you’ve rebranded it.” They laughed.

“No. I don’t want them to be your junior, not because of the history of junior, but because of your middle name. I was thinking, though. Whenever I rebranded your middle name, which, may I say is such an EXTRA description of what I actually did…”

“You stated that my middle name was a prophecy because I’m so determined. That was brilliant and beautiful. I wish we were in love when it happened so I could make love to you for how awesome that was…”

“It got me thinking!” She cut him off. This soon after labor, the LAST thing she wanted to think about was making love. “The word “determined.” Because yours was an uncertain usage. To be determined is so tentative and unstable, unless it’s a declaration of this version of you. Look at what you’ve done with yourself over the years. Only a determined person could do that and I know that your middle name wasn’t actually a name, but a placeholder, but we don’t need any placeholder. We can just give them a name. And, I can’t think of one more fitting and accurate than something that I think of every time that I look at you… Determined.”

“Determined?” He repeated.

“Several cultures name children things that are attributes or wishes or descriptions. Even some of the names that they name their children translates into characteristics when you put them in their original form. We speak English, so Determined. BUT… If you just hate it, I can go for a name that translates to it, like Erimentha or Ernest… Ernesta… etc…”

“No. No. Those are hideous. Anyway, I love it. I just… I keep thinking that it isn’t possible for me to have more joy, but then, I keep finding more, or… it keeps finding me. If someone had told me at 16 that I would have a family, an amazing wife who is out of my league in like every way, but loves me just like she’s in my league, and a beautiful baby that looks just like her and door after door of opportunity to thrive in my career and take care of them… I just… I would have thought it was make believe. I’m living a dream.” He wrapped his arms around Charlotte and rested on her shoulder. “Jasper Determined Dunlop.”

“We can call them “Jazz,” just to make it a little less convoluted when speaking at home,” she suggested. “They look like a Jazz.”

“They look like a Charlotte,” he said and booped her nose.

.

Medical school was NOT a brilliant idea for a new mother, but Charlotte was always a hardworking person, so she figured that she could handle this. Whenever it seemed to get really hard, Jasper would always say, “You know, you can quit, whenever you want.” But, that would have the opposite effect. She pushed harder. No, she couldn’t quit whenever she wanted to! In addition to that being the opposite of what she wanted to do, it would be too much like what she knew Jasper wanted her to do. He wanted her to stay at home with the kids whenever he wasn’t able to. Speaking of… Shortly after Charlotte got her entry into medical school, she also got pregnant, again. 

What could she say? Surely, old her would have planned for and against this, but mommy her, busy with Jazz, medical school, etc took the time that she could whenever she got with her husband to enjoy it and she hadn’t been as meticulous as you might expect! So, she had two babies, less than a year apart and was going to medical school during her second pregnancy.

Jasper wanted her to take a break. It was too much, he’d say. Nobody should put themselves through all of this bodily and mental strain, if they didn’t have to and she didn’t have to. They were more than comfortable without her having a doctorate, and the girls were having so many moments that she was missing out on! “The kids,” she corrected him. “Until they say otherwise…”

“Well, you’re never home to implement that,” he said, sulking. She threw him a glare. He sighed and said, “I don’t slip up, much. But, nobody knows a boy named Amber, so it’s harder to keep up with it with her than with Jazz.”

“With them!” They both said at the same time, correcting him. 

Charlotte sighed. “I can’t take a break. I took a break from work when I had Jazz. I took a break from medical school when I had Amber.”

“Hardly!”

“It affected me!” She squealed, collected her things and stormed out of the room. Jasper wiped his face and looked over at the two small children. The toddler with a full head of wild curls, trying to give a ball to the baby in the walker, with equally as curly hair, but not as much of it. Amber accepted the ball and immediately tried to stuff it into their mouth. Jasper told himself that it had been rolling on the floor, but if he snatched it away, they were definitely gonna cry. He didn’t need to upset another one of his loves tonight. He just wished that Charlotte could realize what she was missing out on whenever she wasn’t around. What he couldn’t put into words… the bonds being formed in her absence… They were supposed to be doing all of this together.

Several times, Jasper would make plans for the entire family at times when she didn’t have “anything pressing” coming up, but by the time it was time for the plans, she would either be so tired that she told him to just go without her, or he would cancel, seeing that she was tired, which generally resulted in her fussing very grouchily about why he cancelled when he knew that she would be trying to sleep. Or better yet, why even be on this side of the house when the house that they bought was huge? “I THOUGHT that even though you’re tired that you might want to at least TRY to pretend that our children exist!”  he snapped back once. She was angered to full awakeness. He regretted letting that accusation slip out. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean to say that.”

“You said it. So, you meant it,” she commented, clearly angry.

“No. I don’t know where that came from. Some dark and wrong part of me. I don’t feel that way…”

“And the thing that perplexes me about you saying that is that I wasn’t even really ready to start having children. I was going through things at my workplace and I was desperate and vulnerable, and you convinced me that I could do whatever I wanted to do and began to put the pressure on me to begin having children.”

“That’s not exactly how I remember…”

“So, in my emotionally distressed state, I came to the decision that if I did have a baby and transition away from that lab, Jasper will have my back!”

“I do… Char…” He sounded desperate, but she was not finished.

“SO, I did have a baby and I did transition away from the lab and I entered medical school to further my career, and in between, I went to networking luncheons, dog tired, with a small infant and sometimes two dogs and I smiled and socialized - two things I don’t even really like doing that much - with your clients, to support your career change that you SPRUNG on us suddenly one day then dived head first into it with my complete and utter support, because I knew that you hated your job and wanted to do something else. Granted, there were no children at the time, but if there were, I would never address you the way that you just came at me.”

“If the kids were born, I wouldn’t have made such a rash decision!” He said.

“So… only the kids’ feelings matter? They don’t even know what’s going on. I had to just tell myself to stay out of your way while you sorted something out to bring you joy and when I do the same thing, kids or not, I expect the same respect. It isn’t like I never see them! It isn’t like I abandoned them. A lot of women are career women. Some of them out there doing it by themselves. I take the time that I take because I know that the two children that I grew inside of my body, painfully ushered into this world, and in exhaustion and dedication fed on my own two teets, are in safe hands, because I’ve trusted myself in those very same hands for many years before I ever even decided to make the sacrifices that I made to my career trajectory and to my body to have them. So. You. Saying. Such. A. Thing. To. Me???” Her shoulders slumped. Her anger had been released and replaced by hurt and sadness. “Fuck you, Jasper.” She whispered, started crying and left the room.

“Baby!” he called and pulled two handfuls of his own hair. How could he? How could he have sank so low as to say something like that to her? They didn’t argue a lot, not over really serious stuff, so maybe he just reverted to the only kinds of arguments he was used to - the way he and his mom would speak at each other’s flaws instead of talking out their problems. Charlotte definitely didn’t deserve that, especially when they hadn’t really discussed this concern of his in any real way. So, it was not only out of nowhere to her, but he could only imagine how extremely hurtful that must’ve been. She was supposed to be able to trust him with her feelings, with her heart, with the truth. He did feel like she didn’t spend enough time with the kids, but that wasn’t the way to say it, and while she’s tired and sleepy and… “Fuck!” he hissed at himself.

“Fuck!” Jazz repeated. He gasped and rushed over to where they were playing with the ladybug hockey set that Pansy bought.

“No, no, no… Don’t say that J.”

They giggled and repeated, “Fuck!” Daddy’s excitement face was hilarious to them and they realized that the key to getting it was to say whatever “Fuck” was. Jasper sat on the floor and covered his face. He was really not doing a good job today. Jazz pulled his hands from over his face and laughed, “Fuck.” He could only laugh now too, at this point. Amber was crawling to the puck. They were gonna try to eat it. That was all they did. Poop their diaper and try to eat everything but what was served to them as food. He snatched them away just in time. 

Charlotte came out of the bedroom, having been crying for a while, ready to face Jasper again and smooth over whatever happened, because even though she felt attacked and was going to be hurting for a while, she knew that Jasper would never say something just to hurt her, so that was obviously how he felt and they needed to come up with a solution for it. Because, she was not going to tolerate another low blow like that in the future. 

Jasper had started on dinner. Jazz was “helping” and Amber Reign was already in the highchair, with an empty plastic bowl and spoon to hold them over. The moment they saw Charlotte, they began to kick their legs happily and try to get out of the seat, so she went to collect them. Jasper glanced over and just seeing her was overcome with guilt again. Jazz went over too and began to tell their mom a story that Charlotte understood almost perfectly, despite the fact that none of it was in real words that adults could just understand. Jasper could sometimes detect a few sprinkled in, but he didn’t have that gift that Charlotte tended to have where she pretty much got all of what this kid was telling her. 

He came over and said, “Char, about earlier…”

“Please don’t taint what little time I spend with my children with any of that. We can get into it later.” She said it with a smile, as to not alarm the children, but he saw her eyes, how sad they were and the flecs of anger whenever he spoke. After dinner, which was weird because they rarely got dinner together as a family and whenever they did, usually Jasper and Charlotte were catching up like besties and sprinkling the children in. Jasper was silent. He didn’t want to say anything. Charlotte was talking with the kids. Helping Amber with the spoon and Jazz to pronounce things a little bit better. But, afterwards, Charlotte said, “I’ll get the kids cleaned up. You got the table?”

He just nodded. He was… simply depressed that he had done this to his home. He had invited in something ugly and something he never wanted to bring from his first family to this one. She sighed, collected Amber, kissed him on the cheek and took Jazz’s hand. “You kids are filthy! Who taught you two how to eat?” She joked around. Jasper was grateful for that pity kiss on the cheek, but he wasn’t gonna forgive himself any time soon.

He cleaned up the kitchen and went into the bedroom. Charlotte had already went to sleep. Probably couldn’t sleep earlier after he’d upset her. He didn’t know if he should get into bed or go to the couch. There was a pullout wall bed in Jazz’s room and a cot in Amber’s nursery. He could crash in either, but that might confuse the kids. They only used those whenever the kids were scared or sick or sleep eluded them for some other reason. Not for selfish dads who say hurtful things to their wives when frustrated. She stirred and gasped when she saw him standing there. “My god, Jasper! What’re you doing?”

“Trying to figure out if I should get into bed or not. Didn’t mean to wake you.” He sat on the bed, and didn’t move. He felt her arms wrap behind him from behind and her head rest on his back. “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have…”

“Let me talk first, okay?” He nodded. “Okay. I’ve had a rough time in medical school. I had a rough time prior to that. Before, whenever I had a rough time, I’d come home and vent and fuss and cry and you were always there for me. Today, I wanted to sleep. That’s all I wanted, and I kept hearing Amber screaming every time you took something from them. Jazz talking nonstop. And, that’s what they should be doing. They’re kids. Kids are noisy creatures. I should have just came and asked, “Hey. Think you could maybe take them on a day trip or something. I really want to sleep.” Instead, I came in fussing and I really shouldn’t have spoken to you that way, especially in front of them. So, it wasn’t like I came home and wanted to go to sleep and you went off on me. I probably triggered something. I probably made you feel some type of way. But, Jasper… even though I am holding myself accountable for my part in that argument…” Her voice cracked. “You can’t say things that hurtful to me. Okay? Because… I can’t handle it. If you had fussed back and told me not to talk to you that way, I’d have been mad, maybe. I’m cranky and tired, so I probably wouldn’t have been super rational. But, what you said…”

“It wasn’t fair. I’m sorry.” He turned to hold her. “I don’t know why I would say something like that. I promise, all I ever speak about is how great of a mom you are. Because, you are, Char. You’ve put Amber in a pouch while you’ve studied for midterms. You’ve let Jazz think they were helping you study by lowkey going over anatomy notes with them. I just had an image in my head that when we started a family, it would be perfect. That’s on me. Nothing’s perfect, but you’re always wonderful and you spend as much time as humanly possible with them. That was… so shitty of me.” He sniffled. “And I accidentally taught Jazz the word “Fuck.” Charlotte accidentally started laughing at that portion of the confession and he squealed, “They keep on saying it and I can’t stop them!”

“I’m sure they’ll survive, F Sized.”

He squeezed her. “I’m still that?”

“Hurting my feelings one time doesn’t make me stop loving you, but you’d better be really careful in the future. I wanted to punch you in the face.” He allowed himself a little laugh.

“It wouldn’t hurt. You have miserable upper body strength.”

“Nu uhn. I’ve had to work on it because I have to be able to help move those body dummies!”

“Okay, but that won’t make your punches harder, necessarily.”

“You wanna test it out?” she jokingly threatened. 

“I wanna hold my wife.”

“Okay. But, I’m gonna lay down and actually finally get some sleep.”

“Yes, that’s good. You deserve it.” She laid back down and Jasper wrapped himself around her, crying softly. She knew that she couldn’t say anything more to help him accept that sometimes, even he’ll make mistakes. She hated it though. She hadn’t heard him crying in a really long time. She turned to wipe his face, as needed and did so until the sleep took over her. He didn’t know if her graciousness made him feel better, or worse. 

.

Her last year of medical school, Charlotte got pregnant again. Jazz was a 4 year old wild child, Amber a 2year old TOTAL princess, and this July baby that she would have, she DESPERATELY wanted not to be a Leo like their father. She loved him and everything, but did she need two personalities like that? Whenever she already had a restless Aries child and a Sagittarius drama queen. Being an Earth sign surrounded by all this fire was enough for Charlotte! “So… You want them to be a Cancer?” Jasper asked and rolled his eyes. “I can tell you right now, you don’t want to deal with the emotional habits of a cancer on a daily basis. You hate dealing with emotions.”

“I… don’t hate dealing with emotions. And we aren’t talking about some person in a mommy group. We’re talking about my kids. I’d deal with whatever.”

“I’m rooting for a Leo,” he said flat out.

“These birthdays are so close together!” She complained. “Mine and Jazz’s. Henry’s and Amber’s. Now yours and Ruby’s.”

“I like it. We’re all birthstone buddies. I was so stoked to find out that even though technically Jasper isn’t Jazz’s birthstone, it’s the planetary stone of Aries. That was awesomely cool accidental serendipity.”

“You don’t have to say accidental in front of serendipity.” He rolled his eyes. She could stomp him in science and math, but she didn’t want any of him in Language Arts. “I’m worried.”

“About what?” 

“That after medical school nearly tore our marriage apart that I might not even be able to use it.”

“Both of those observations are ridiculous.”

“I’m going to have to take a maternity leave when I should be in my internship. Which means that I will have to probably postpone it and seeing that, who will want me, Dude? It’s like the world ONLY wants child producing humans to do that.”

“The country, maybe. A lot of other places have better opportunities and situations when it comes to maternity politics. You wanna move somewhere?”

She laughed, “WHERE? What country would I want to just try to move to, knowing nothing of their language, society, etc, because of a maternity leave situation?”

“I didn’t consider all of those things when I suggested it.” Charlotte laughed and leaned in to give him a kiss, to which, of course, he responded, fully engaged.

Jazz came into the room and folded her arms, “You two kissing in the mouth in here?”

“Mind ya business!” Charlotte said back.

“Y’all nasty,” Jazz commented and left.

“I feel like that couldn’t have been the reason they came in here,” Charlotte observed.

“They are bad at focusing, just like their daddy. I’m gonna go check things out.” he was gone for about 30 seconds whenever he shouted, “OH MY GOD, AMBER!” Charlotte jumped up and went to see what that meant. Amber had a yellow power wheels convertible that Jasper had specifically done that way because all of the ones that he could find were pink or purple, and neither were colors that they liked, despite often selecting “girl things”themselves… and they had just covered it in painted handprints. 

“How did they get paint?” Charlotte wondered. 

Jazz said, “I got my ladder chair.”

Charlotte noticed the rolling steps that Jasper sometimes used for housework and she stared at him. “I thought I put those away.” He grabbed the rolling steps and Charlotte grabbed the paints. “Well, they’ve got an even more custom car now,” he said, with a laugh. 

“No more fire signs. No more fire signs…” Charlotte cooed, picking up the toddler who was wearing a Belle gown from Beauty and the Beast - their favorite Disney Princess, so she could clean the paint off of them before it got worse. 

“You left the paint, Mom!” Jazz commented, even though they were the one that even got it down for Amber in the first place. 

“No more fire signs. No more fire signs.”

Eight Months Later…

“Another fire sign!” Jasper cheered. This dude was about to have a mini Leo in the house, like all of their children weren’t already just various incarnations of mini Jaspers. Uncle Roscoe came to the hospital with a boombox and Charlotte already knew that she wasn’t in the mood. He and Jack Leigh had given them a “blues version” of Amber by 311 whenever Amber was born and while Charlotte wanted to ban both of them from the hospital any time she had a baby, this was apparently something that Jasper felt was a good tradition. These songs. She wondered what she was about to have to endure with this infant latched on to her person to feed. Her uncle pressed play. Fire, by the Ohio Players. She put in the earplugs that she had brought in preparation for Uncle Roscoe’s tribute and went to sleep. Ruby anxiously looked around to find the source of the music, but wasn’t about to let go of their lifeline to milk, either.

[alwaysaslutforbakugang]

feb. 15th

Summary: Bakugou Katsuki is forever alone and blames Deku

Pairing: Bakugou x Reader

Song: https://youtu.be/vyAH9fHb5FY

Warnings: Angst/Heavy Feels. And a bit of descriptive violence, so be cautious.

First ever story posted. Please let me know if you want more. 

The butterflies in my stomach have died Now there's lowly caterpillars that are waiting for the night to strike And they've been dying to escape The pit of my stomach's a real dark fuckin' place

He was doing it again.

Staring directly at the back of your head. The class had slowly trudged into the last twenty minutes and the studious etiquette had already been dropped. Students bunched together in small groups to chat, sitting on top of desks, loudly talking, or discussing plans. He noticed how that Deku and his friends seemed to congregate to you, circling your desk as you smiled along to whatever Round Face was spewing. He watched as you pulled your bottom lip in between your teeth to suppress your wide smile.

He frowned deeper. Just who the fuck did you think you were? Having that big and nice of a smile just to try and hide it? He never understood and had deemed the action to be asinine and vexing.

Bakugou watched as you chatted away, your hands occasionally being thrown around for emphasizes as you all spoke over each other. Whatever had been said must’ve been fucking hilarious because the next thing Bakugou knew, your laugh had erupted and his heart stalled and sputtered.

Your laugh. Its warmth and liveliness seemed to stir his insides, making his stomach flutter and knot. He could feel the heat begin to crawl up his neck and nip at his ears. He swallowed thickly, discovering just how dry his throat was. Deciding that he was tired of feeling like some damn lovesick dog he turns back to his own desk, his own group of friends surrounding him. However, he hadn’t expected to look and find eyes staring at him so intently.

“What the fuck are you fuckers lookin’ at?” Scowl present and brows furrowed, he hoped to scare them back to their own devices. Instead, the complete opposite is what happened.

Smiles. Big, cocky, sardonic smiles.

“Well Bakugou, I gotta say. You’ve been real interested in (Y/N). What do you guys think?” Kaminari taunted, smirking in Bakugou’s direction while nudging Sero to egg on the explosive boy. And he did just that. Leaning forward, Sero’s smile never faltered, in fact, it only seemed to have gotten more wide and smug.

“Yea, I think so too,” Sero tossed his head in your direction. “You’ve been staring for, like, an hour dude. Just admit it.” Bakugou could feel the embarrassment balloon in his chest and he had fought back the blush that so desperately wanted to rise. He hadn’t noticed his friends watching him, shit, now they were gonna make jokes.

Bakugou swallows his nerves and extinguished the heat that seemed to claw up his belly and his chest. He sneered at his friends, splitting his glare among the four of them. “Fuck you, Shithead. I don’t have shit to admit,” Bakugou stands, making sure to scratch his seat loudly against the floor for punctuation, catching a certain pair of (E/C) eyes in the process. He tosses his bag over his shoulder with ease just as the bell rang and his peers began to file out. “Now leave me the hell alone.”

My new friends are starting to know Why my old ones don't talk to me anymore My ex knows why my last one's my last one Hey, guess why It's 'cause my fuckin' actions

Bakugou chest heaved and fell with heavy breaths, fingers curling in on themselves till his knuckles turned white. Sweat spilled off of him but his glare never faltered. His veins ran hot and he could taste the blood that swished in his mouth, he licks his teeth clean and spits out the bloody glob in the green haired boy’s direction.

Their training had fallen into a lull, both boys using this time to reevaluate their next moves while resting their battered bodies. Despite the seriousness of the situation, Bakugou had noticed Deku’s eyes briefly dart to the stands. Class 1-A watched with either pure awe or unmasked worrisome, but Bakugou had followed Midoriya’s eyes and didn’t like what he saw. You both had shared a look, one he couldn’t quite chart, but he could make out the small sparkle of assurance.

Your eyes told him your support. They told him that you believed in him, and as Bakugou whipped his head back to Deku, he could see the small smile crawl up his face. His eyes seemed to only sparkle to you in a reply.

That pissed him off.

His whole body shook with anger and his breathing labored. Without so much as a second thought, Bakugou dug his shoes into the ground and threw his hands behind him, shooting off with a deafening explosion. Midoriya had no time to react as Bakugou slammed into him, successfully knocking the wind out of his chest. The smoke began to clear and Bakugou had stood over Midoriya, his knee digging into his chest, scowl present and deep. Bakugou watched as Deku try to push his knee off of him, boring his nails into the fabric of his uniform. But to no avail, Bakugou ground deeper into him till he heard him cough and wheeze, his breathing coming out in strangled gasps.

This is what you wanted? A weak piece of shit? Bakugou grabbed Midoriya’s neck with his left hand and cocked back his right far before slamming his fist hard into Midoriya’s cheek. The boy’s head snapped to the left sharply on impact. He glowered.

Pathetic. Punch

Useless! Punch

Fucking worthless! CRUNCH

Bakugou went for another punch but found his arm fighting against him. It wasn’t until his arm was wrapped up from palm to elbow had he noticed Aizawa had intervened, his eyes harsh and red. Bakugou was yanked away from the bleeding boy just as Recovery Girl quickly shuffled her way onto the scene. The blonde’s breathing was ragged and his fist hurt but his eyes went searching towards the stands until they landed on you, and his breathing only seemed to have gotten harder.

Your eyes. They looked so wide and afraid. Your entire face resembled that of a person in a horror movie, you had just seen something so horrifying that you were frozen with fear. You both lock eyes for a moment, and for the first time, Bakugou wishes to disappear, to not have your attention. But there he sat, fist covered in his ex-friend’s blood and staring you down.

I'm gonna be alone forever I'm gonna be alone forever But I'm getting used to the thought Except late at night, so maybe I'm not I'm gonna be alone forever I'm gonna be alone forever But I'm getting used to the thought Except-

It had been about a month since his little incident with Deku and Bakugou had noticed just how chummy you two were. It had been at lunch today when Bakugou had found out through his chatty friends that you and Deku had started dating. When his friends continued to talk about the two of you being a cute couple, he got up and left. You had been avoiding him like the plague, you no longer ate at his table, or sat next to him in English, or even walk past him in the hall. But today, today your guard was down and he had seen you at the water fountain, he froze.

You were still as beautiful as ever, your hand held back your (H/C) locks while your lips kissed at the water. For a second he is envious of the fountain. His eyes lingered on your lips longer than they should and his prolonged staring had caught the corner of your eye, you stood straight and faced him, glare present. He fought the embarrassing blush that warmed his ears and steeled his nerves. He looked past you and kept walking, but not before forcibly bumping his shoulder into yours. He kissed at his teeth and spoke with fake malice.

“Get the fuck outta my way, you extra.”

That night sleep eluded him and the darkness brought no kind of comfort. He tossed and turned, tucked and untucked his blanket but nothing could fix this. Sighing and accepting defeat, Bakugou laid flat on his back and stared up at the ceiling. You crept into his blank thoughts and he could only think about the interaction you shared today. He called you an extra and you hated him. He bumped into you and you hated him. He loved you and you hated him.

He didn’t know when the tears started, but they were hot and they stung. He hiccuped and sobbed into downy pillows to muffle the cry. He loved you. . .

And you hated him.

She went to Columbia and I went to jail I just wanted another apple when she really wanted Yale And that is the problem where all of this lies I'm emotionally unstable—crazy fuckin' guy! Who's-

Six years had past and Bakugou had found the hero lifestyle to be rather lonely. Many of his friends had settled into relationships and seemed to be happy with their lives, and he was happy for them, don’t get him wrong. But he wanted that happiness, he wanted that love, he wanted you. Recently, he had heard that you and Deku were engaged and emigrating to North America and as much as he wanted to deny this, the proof stared back at him. In his hands was the invitation to your wedding. The crisp letter written in curly words only seemed to mock him while he read.

‘You are cordially invited to the marriage ceremony of Midoriya Izuku and (L/N) (F/N). Come join us in uniting these two souls into one.’ Bakugou scoffed and crumpled the paper under his large hands. He wasn’t going to torture himself by showing up to your wedding and seeing you marry his rival. In all honesty, Bakugou he had no clue why he even got an invitation in the first place. It was probably that Deku’s idea, probably trying to show off the woman of his dreams and rub it in his face.

Bakugou's actions had came to a complete stop. As that thought festered over in his mind, it all seemed to become more clear to him. His fists clenched at his sides and his jaw tensed shut. That was it, this was just a way for Deku to brag, to show him that he’s won. His blood boiled in his veins and his vision began to blur. He was just going to invite him over to watch as the woman that he loved be taken away from him, just so that Deku could show him just how much better he was than him!

The sound of ceramic glass shattering had pulled him momentarily out of his blind rage, he hadn’t even noticed grabbing the vase from its place on the table. His breathing - that had sounded heavy and angry all at once - was the only sound that resonated through his empty home. Soon after, his heavy breathing was followed by the sounds of shattering glass and splintering wood. He broke whatever he could get his hands on and whatever didn’t move, he blew up. His throat was raw from the screaming and his eyes burned from the tears as he continued his tantrum, demolishing everything.

I'm gonna be alone forever I'm gonna be alone forever But I'm getting used to the thought And in a couple years, I fuckin' hope that this stops

Bakugou sat in the remains of what was once his sleek and modern living room, surrounded by bits of broken coffee table and fragments of large portraits. Pieces of glass stuck out in awkward angles in his hands and the blood trickled slowly down his fingers, but he didn't care. Finally, he lets the tears flow freely and the choked out cries fall from his mouth with no resistance. He was broken, a broken man who was in love with someone he couldn’t have. He wanted so badly to let these feelings go, to forget you and all the heartache that came with you, but he was scared. All that he knew was you, how was he suppose to learn to love someone else when you were all he wanted to know?

                                                                                                                                 I really hope that you guys like it. You can read it on my AO3!

https://archiveofourown.org/users/FriendlyNeighborhoodTacoCat

Also, don’t be afraid to send in requests for headcanons/Imagines! It’ll give me something to do. 

[4wordletter]

“yeah man, I put up with that for a month, I’m not judging however you decide to deal with her”

“she’s literally incapable of happiness”

we keep nasty phrases and snippets of conversations in the back of our heads. we torture ourselves with them. why? let’s let them go. how well can the words of others define who we are?

my friends, and the two ‘guys in my life’, met me during a weird time. they had seen some of the best and some of the worst. maybe I gave them some expectations I couldn’t meet.

not sure what the expectations are but this is phrased in such a way that you’re to blame. you do that a lot. you blame yourself a lot

I was anxious, but they knew they helped me. I was fine when I had company. I could go for walks, or just sit and watch while they played games I couldn’t keep up with. I was the relaxed fun one that could host games of Cards Against Humanity and Clusterfuck; the cool girl, who didn’t really want to drink but it was okay because I was underage anyway. I was cute, I was smart. they were drawn to me in a different way than I was drawn to them, but somehow we ended up close. 

in what way were they drawn to you and vice versa? are you talking about the 2 guys or your friends in general?

they knew I had my issues, but maybe they thought it was just, I don’t know, Depression Lite™, compared to the anxiety. but even that wasn’t too bad when they were around. I had my moments, but I thought they knew we could always talk through it.

so things were “okay” before you left? you had depression, anxiety but it was manageable, especially with social support

then it hit hard. I left. I spiraled. I’d go up to visit, but it would sometimes hit me that soon I’d have to go home and be alone again and I couldn’t help feeling the worst existential dread.

do you feel like you’re somehow defined by your friends? talking about existential dread, i wonder if you have “who am i” moments when you’re not with your friends. does their perception of you as “the cool girl” give you a sense of identity (as “the cool girl”) which goes away when you’re not around them?

I felt hollow, I felt sick. I’d numb out, I’d cry. they hurt me, too, really bad. in different ways. they just didn’t get it. what happened to the Cool Girl? why couldn’t I accept that none of it meant anything and move on? they still wanted to be my friends, why wasn’t that good enough? why was I so upset?

you seem conflicted about feeling things. why shouldn’t you be upset? if they hurt you as bad as you say, why wouldn’t you be upset?

they didn’t get why leaving hurt. why being alone hurt. why feeling used hurt. 

what do you think this says about the type of people they are?

my first semester after I transferred, I thought people were forgetting about me. I remember talking to A on messenger one day; seeing “seen at ___” and no response. curling up in bed, starting to shake. cry. please. please. please. just. don’t leave.

are you quick to jump to the conclusion you’re being ignored/forgotten? there are often other reasons for being left on read

I’d count down til I could visit next. that was what kept me going. just knowing that in three months, I could have a few precious days to feel like a person again. use my voice again. but I’d always have to come back.

i think the core of the issue is hinted at here. “to feel like a person again” tells me a story of a girl who has attached her sense of identity to unstable, external sources outside of herself rather than stable, internal sources inside yourself that you can nurture and depend on

they didn’t know. they said things like that, and acted like I was actively suicidal because I mentioned I felt That Bad once, and complained behind my back when I got upset. they couldn’t know how it felt. I internalized that they wouldn’t want me around; wouldn’t want to put up with me; if I was like that. if I was hurt. when I tried to talk to them about it, it didn’t seem to change anything.

we have to be extremely careful when we talk to people about how we feel. if we talk to people who aren’t skilled in human emotion then, chances are, they’ll make us feel worse

I felt stupid. maybe I was just overreacting. I stopped letting them know how I felt. visits weren’t the time or place to get sad. nobody wants you around when you’re sad. nobody knows how to deal with you. they don’t get it. they won’t get it. they’ll just complain about you. don’t give them anything to complain about. maybe they’ll want you around then.

this section is so conflicted. these people don’t understand you, complain about you, etc, yet you want them to want you around. it sounds like a big price to pay...but what is it you’re paying for exactly? that sense of identity? validation?

 just. box it up. it doesn’t matter anyway. sometimes it makes you sick to your core. but if you take a few deep breaths and make yourself stop crying, it goes away. it all stops eventually, if you make it.

this isn’t healthy. suppressing emotions like this might work in the short term but in the long term it becomes highly destabilizing as you become more and more emotionally numb and fractured

I don’t know if I just told myself I was cared about, or if I am. they say I am. I’m still invited to friend group things. they seemed happy I could get an early pass for farm jam this year. T told me at festivus during grievances (which nobody had many of at all) that he’s really glad that despite everything I still made it up for new years and festivus; A nodded sharply in agreement.

let’s not wait around for signs like this that we matter. let’s not wait like patient dogs for scraps from the dinner table. let’s envision our importance irrespective of how others see us, okay?

T hasn’t talked to me hardly at all this year, though he said he knows he’s bad at reaching out. I thought he was just sick of me.

does it matter if he’s sick of you? i’m sick of a ton of people, aren’t you? does it matter? does this define you?

after his wedding, after I told him that was my last straw with A. is it because I’d just shoved everything down? because I’ve stayed out of sight? do they like me better when I pretend I’m fine? I don’t think I’m pretending. I make things be fine.

things don’t seem fine to me

I don’t know what to think. what to trust. I don’t know how they see me. saw me. it felt like it would change based on my moods.

you’re caught in an unstable feedback loop here. if your mood is unstable then their reaction to you will in turn appear unstable. if you’re happy then they seem to like you, if you’re sad then they seem apathetic. if your mood depends on how they react to you, then your mood will worsen. and so on, down the rabbit hole

I can’t beat myself up over little things, but what do I do when it feels like little things get me put in the doghouse?

the language here, to me, indicates how you see yourself - almost as a pet. you’re not a dog and there is no doghouse. if they try to treat you as you are and send you away like a scalded puppy then it’s time for a new friend group

when they won’t talk to me about what I seem to have done wrong in their eyes? I’m more than willing to talk through it; I’ve never been unreasonable.

you’re unreasonable to yourself all the time. you treat others better than you treat yourself

I’m not crazy. I just feel things really deeply. but I sure as hell feel crazy when I think I have a place and feel cared about, and find out they talk behind my back. how do they see me?

you’re not crazy, you’re human. there is a laser-like focus on how others see you. your happiness, self-esteem, and sense of self-worth are 100% put in the hands of others. all of your eggs are in one basket, and when that basket develops a hole, you’re screwed

 I thought I was ready. I wasn’t ready. or, I was, but not for this. I didn’t even know what love felt like. I was terrified of going off to college, but I was so ready to be out of that house and away from my mom; out of this town.

that’s normal. you made a leap of faith. be proud of yourself for having the courage. others aren’t so brave :)

I took what I could get. I made mistakes. just to get it over with. just to know what all the fuss was about. I had a crush on A, I thought he did too. I was over the moon with the possibility. possibility. that was when I got slapped in the face with hookup culture. I didn’t realize people actually did that without feeling anything. I didn’t. 

hookup culture isn’t for those of us with sensitive hearts. a lot of people just wanna get off. with whoever, wherever. they can just have sex with whoever and walk away whenever they want. it’s purely physical. sometimes they allow for this because they’re emotionally invested in someone else. so they’ll have a girlfriend but then use a girl on the side for physical stuff. it’s exciting for them but it’s nothing more than cheap sex and adrenaline. others turn to this because they can’t develop a relationship beyond the purely physical because they’re emotionally damaged

for some of us it’s more an emotional experience. we bond and develop strong feelings for whoever we hook up with. if we’re careful, we develop a friendship first which may blossom into a sexual relationship. for me, that’s the preferred course of events. it feels natural, feels good. friendship comes first (pardon the pun)

then T swooped in. scooped me right up with that charm, and I told myself I didn’t care. what was another one, at this point? just fuck me up.

so now that you do feel fucked up, do you regret thinking that way? will you treat yourself better in future, knowing that this is the outcome?

at least we were clear with each other. I’ve only been cool with his now-wife because he never let me think he didn’t respect me or my feelings. sure, it hurt, but it was easier to deal with.

you spend a lot of time dealing with being hurt instead of getting yourself out of hurtful situations. why do you stay in them?

A took his opportunity once he knew that was over. I thought maybe he changed his mind; he hadn’t. I asked why. shrugs. “you’re hot”. I heard it echoed years later. it’s hard to know what means anything and what doesn’t. it felt the same to me. or maybe none of it meant anything. I’ve mistaken a lot for love.

love is unmistakable. it has nothing at all to do with sex or anything physical. it is a pure, clean, incorruptible feeling. your heart swells and you feel an unconditional affection and an undying desire to protect a certain individual. you want to see them happy, you want to support them no matter what. they feel like home. they make the ice around your heart melt and they make you believe in the beauty of humanity. if you’re on the receiving end of this emotion you’ll know all about it. it’s so much more than “you’re hot, let’s fuck”

also from 2015: “the thought of anyone touching me repulses me. if anyone showed me any kind of affection I’d probably start bawling. not in the “oh god finally” way, but in the “oh god you’re going to leave or you’re going to hurt me please don’t start this” way”

people can’t hurt you. you can only hurt yourself by placing so much importance in the hands of people who don’t deserve to have that kind of faith placed in them

sometimes it makes me feel sick. the second I realize someone’s interested in me, now. I’ll show them the worst of me. I’ll try to run them off. I’ll try to convince them I’m not worth their time or effort. clearly I’ve never been. why not put up a warning sign, spare you the energy? it’s hard to know at this point if it’s out of kindness to others or to myself.

it’s kindness to neither. you’ve painted a picture in which they leave you and you mistake it for reality. the anxiety of having faith in them drives you crazy. you have no control over the situation. you soothe that anxiety by taking control back: you’ll try to make them leave. better to have the certainty of killing it yourself than the anxiety of letting it live

do I think I’m sparing myself? why would I still have this vague hope if I really didn’t want it? I think I do want it, but my instinct is to push. just, go away, leave me alone. I’m afraid I’m going to be alone forever, let this self-fulfilling prophecy work itself out.

you’ve placed so much importance on falling in love and being with someone. a relationship is something that’s nice to have. it’s warm, it’s tender. it’s something that most people want. at the moment, i think you see it as something you need. something you absolutely need otherwise you’re not worth very much. that’s no the foundation for a relationship. a stable relationship comes from a mutual desire to be together. not a need, never a need

I wonder why I flip around so much with how I feel. why I worry that one little misstep will send people packing. why I’m not reassured by kindness. am I actually numb? it’s exhausting, trying to think about it. I don’t want what I had before, I want what I felt before. but I get scared. I feel needles shooting down my spine. how is it so easy for other people? why don’t I trust?

you know why. because you’ve been in emotionally damaging relationships with people who used you

someone could want me around, talk with me about anything and everything, look into my eyes and kiss me so gently, rub my back and kiss the back of my neck just once, hold me close all night… and it’s hollow. empty. how in the fuck do you know? how do you make it not feel meaningless? a friend’s band’s percussionist slowly put his hands on my hips during a set at farm jam, pulled me close.

stop falling for this shit. we men will put our hands on any girl who seems remotely willing. when we’re done, we discard you. please understand that if you want to find meaning, you have to start extremely slowly. you start with friendship, not with hands on hips. as the weeks and months pass in your friendship then it will grow and flourish very naturally and of its own accord. that’s where meaning comes from

how can you be both repulsed and intrigued? I went back to his camp with him; I wanted to push myself. I wanted to. but I knew it was nothing. why wasn’t I afraid? it made me feel sick; why did I want to? do I see it as hurting myself? I certainly don’t think it’ll help.

because you liked the attention. everyone likes attention. i feel you had to override your gut instinct here - you literally felt sick. that tells you all you need to know

I’m scared and confused. I think I know it’s simpler when it’s clear. I’m afraid of feeling more than them, of them feeling more than me. 

i don’t think it’s a competition. who cares if they feel more or less than you? feel what you feel and let the chips fall where they may

maybe my big issue is trust. I want to feel wanted, liked, blah blah. but I won’t let anyone tell me they feel that way. I don’t trust it’ll last.

okay, so don’t trust it will last. that’s fine. if you’re right, then no harm - you knew it was coming anyway. if you’re wrong, sweet! you trust the person! it’s win/win. the right person will actively earn your trust, month by month, year by year, decade by decade

I’ll do something, inevitably, and they’ll be gone. someone better, less fucked up, will come along.

sounds like you’re painting more pictures of the future, and they’re not pretty. better to paint nothing and let things happen of their own accord

inevitably. I want what we all want, but I also don’t see it as a real possibility for me. it’s what happens in movies. it’s what happens to other people. sure, I love, I care. I know I can. but is it ever good enough? I’ve tried so hard, I don’t know how much harder I can try. is it ever good enough?

you sound like a lost puppy doing tricks for its master to win affection. stop trying to win over the hearts of people. stop bending over backwards for people. stop placing your self-worth in their hands. you are suffering and suffering deeply

you’re an ideal candidate for therapy. i think it would be a healing experience for you. i think a psychiatrist would be a good port of call as well - tell him how you’ve been feeling

thoughts and emotions bubble up through the brain, through its network of cells, its biology. if this biology isn’t working as it should then you’ll feel mentally unwell. you’ll see darkness where none exists

please keep up with your hobbies and with journaling your feelings. i promise if you reach out for help, you will feel much better

[pirate-patton]

I double dog dare you to write something cute with Little Logan, if you can rise from the grave I accidentally put you in. 😂💙

Tag List: @undertakershairline @romananalogicality @rose-gold-roman @thegoldenmink @the-prince-and-the-emo @theawesomestofsauces @jellyjam24 @sabriel-fanboy-83 @the-sanders-sides @amazable01 @milk-withtwosugars @bbcanimefangirl @analogically-prinxiety @asexual-trashbag @calz-craze @gracefullyinsanedancingunicorn @phandemoniumclub @virgils-anxiety @natalie-wheres-the-tampons @hrtnsolofytube @greymane902 @ashrain5 @fandom-screamings @mira-jadeamethyst @cefmua56 @colie7700 @madd-catter @leesacrakon @a-blog-just-for-sanders @doesdanielhowelisgay @viva-la-nordics @just-fic-me-up @justanotherpurplebutterfly @thebeautyofthomas @emo-space-trash @i-prayed-to-you-cas

//for anyone that has not seen the post this is based around, click here it’s super adorable and i love it and it killed me

None of them knew exactly how it happened, all they knew was that this was 100% Roman’s fault.  Now they had a child Logan on their hands, and he apparently was even more of a handful than normal Logan.  

The sides took shifts in watching him, and it was Patton’s turn.  The moral side had been cooing and obsessing over how adorable Logan was since Roman brought him inside, and strangely enough Logan was OK with this.  He expected Logan to act like a child, to bounce around happy and excited, ready to take on the world.  What he didn’t expect was this being just a slightly more innocent and sweet Logan.

“What’cha up to, kiddo?” Patton asked as he crouched down beside the logical side, who currently laid on his stomach on the floor.

“Lookit,” Logan whispered, pointing to an inch worm on the floor.

“That’s neat!” Patton said.  He didn’t understand quite what was so enthralling about an inch worm that Logan hadn’t moved for almost an hour.  “Would you like to read?  Or play with some blocks?”

“Nuh-uh,” Logan dragged himself closer, and oh my goodness he did not.

He inched.  Like an inch worm.  It took absolutely everything Patton had in him to not freak out, dear God, that was too much for his heart.  

Was this how Logan normally observed?  Had adult Logan done something so silly before?  Patton hoped so, because was too adorable.

Then, a tweet outside the window caught the child’s attention.  He jerked his up and faced the window, a grin breaking out across Logan’s face. 

“What was that, Lo?”

“Bird!” Logan screeched, hopping to his feet and running for the window.  Sure enough, outside on a branch sat a - “Is a sparrow!”  Well, now he had to be acting cute on purpose.  Logan bounced in place and giggled happily before pressing his face against the window.  “I want it.”

Patton snickered and came over, stooping down so he was eye level with the little tyke.  “I don’t think you need a sparrow, kiddo.”

“Yes I do.”

“N-no, I don’t think so.”

“Why?”

Oh no.  “Because the sparrow probably wouldn’t like to come inside!”

“Why?”

Please, no, not his sweet and adorable Logan.  “Because sparrows don’t like houses.”

“Why?”

“Would you want to live in a tree?” Patton asked, hoping the point would get across.  Surely Logic would understand.

“Yes.”  

Apparently not.  “Kiddo...”  Here it came, he had to lay down the law.  He had to...he had to say “no” to Logan.  “You can’t have the sparrow.”

Logan’s eyes quickly filled with tears and his lip started to quiver.  “B-but!”

“Nononono, I’m so sorry!” Patton scooped him up into a bear-hug, his own tears spilling out.  “Don’t be mad, I love you!”

“Pat-Pat...”

“We can get you stuffed sparrow!  It’ll be just as good!  And it’ll let you pet it; does that sound good?”  

“Uh-huh!”  Logan just wanted Patton to stop crying!  He was supposed to be the emotionally unstable toddler here!

“Good, now let’s go get you some ice cream and I’ll read you a book!” Patton picked Logan up and settled him on his shoulders, grinning when Logan giggled and clapped his hands.  “What’cha want me to read, sport?”

“Goosebumps!”  Patton wasn’t sure if that was a good idea, but at this point he loved his precious and adorable son and he wanted to give him the entire world, so he would read the hecky-heck out of some Goosebumps.

[petekey-party]

Age gap (Pete babysitting Mikey :D) But Mikey is too old for a babysitter but Gerard don't give a shit

The end sucks soooo much. I hate how bad I wrote this but I hope you enjoy this cringe fest I have created! Sorry! Unedited I can't fucking believe this. I'm 15 and my parents had to get me some emo ass weekend baby sitter while they get Gerard sober for a weekend to take him to see an art school in who the hell know where. So while they're gone I'll have an 18 year old watching me. That's like having a horse watch your dog! I'm not a fucking baby. I'm not like Gerard who needs someone to keep him out of trouble for a weekend. My parents won't let me stay with my grandmother and I don't have any friends so they decided "Hey here's an awkward, emotionally unstable kid! I know what to do with him, let's send him off with an even bigger awkward, emotionally unstable kid!" yeah that's a great idea mom and dad! Gosh darn, why did I think of that? I sat at the top of the stairs while my mom talked to my new "bff" Pete. My mom went over some ground rules about stupid stuff like what to do if I have a panic attack or an asthma attack or what food I should and shouldn't have. It was completely embarrassing. I planed to stay in my room the whole weekend while trying not to fucking kill my self. The whole time my mom was talking Pete was just smiling and nodding. He just wanted her to leave so he can get back to doing whatever Pete does. Gerard came up the basement stairs with a bag of his cloths and another bag for his art stuff. "Mikey, honey come say bye to your brother, father, and I. I walked down the stairs. Looking at Gerard instead of saying bye and hugging him, I really just wanted to punch him in his stupid, tiny teeth. I looked at him. He looked at me. He could tell that I was pissed. Instead of him saying "sorry for abandoning you with our neighbor of a man child for a weekend so I can go look at a school that I won't even go to, lol bro" he just gave me this "sorry" look. I wanted to rip out his stupid fucking blue rooted hair. "Bye, Mikey," He said. "See yeah, Gerard. Hope you have a swell time." I said giving him an obviously fake smile. My parents gave me a hug goodbye. When they shut the door for the last time Pete and I turned to each other, giving each other this "what now?" Look. "Hi! I'm P-" He started. "Yeah I know who you are. We've lived next to each other for six years." I said. His face fell. I turned around to walk up to my room. I felt the heavy feeling of depression. Like my whole body was made of cold, heavy stone. I felt cold, and I was ready to cry at any moment. I curled up into a ball onto of my bed and turned to face the wall. I stared at the wall for what could of been an hour to two hours, just listening to music."MikeyWay the pizzas here!" Pete called from downstairs. I sat up and looked at my night stand to check the time. 6:38.My parents had left at 4:50. I rubbed my eyes and made my way downstairs. When I got down there Pete was in the kitchen leaning against the counter with half a slice of pizza in his hand. Hey, Mikey. What's u-" he stopped mid sentence and gave me this look. He could probably tell I'd been crying. This is why my parents got me a fucking baby sitter. So I wouldn't have a fucking break down and end up in the looney bin again. I sure hoped they didn't tell Pete about all my issues and the things I've done. I looked away from him and grabbed a slice of pizza. I turned away from him and into the living room to watch tv while I ate. Pete came in and sat down with me on the couch. It was uncomfortable. I ate half my slice before deciding I wasn't hungry anymore and got up to throw my pizza away in the kitchen. When I walked back through the living room to go back up starts Pete stopped me. "Heya Mikes, is that all you're gonna eat?" He asked. I didn't think before I answered."Please stop treating me like I'm a fucking child." I responded before I could even think. Pete sat there on the couch silent. I didn't even have to look at him to know he was staring. "Mikey I know what you're going through. I've been a high schooler before." He said. "Well is that what this is? Is this just some high school thing? What do you know about me? What do you even fucking know?" I yelled. Pete couldn't answer before I dropped to the ground and started crying. I sat with my head tucked between my legs and my arms around me. My sobs turned into uncontrollable gasps for air. I was having a panic attack. I felt Pete pick me up and quickly carried me up the stairs into my room. He sat down in my bed with me in his lap. He softly rocked me back and forth while singing softly to me. My breathing slowly regulated. I got out of Pete's lab and blushed like crazy. "I-I'm sorry, Pete." I said looking down. "You don't have to be sorry about it." Pete said. "I tend to overreact quite a bit," I mumbled. "It's okay. Yeah know, if we're gonna be in this house with each other from now until Monday I think we should get to know each other better." Pete said laying down on his back. He looked at me and patted the spot next to him for me to lay down. I rolled my eyes but did anyway. I looked over at him and he was grinning. "So do you have any hobbies?" He asked. "Pshh what kind of question is that?" I asked. What a lame question."I'm serious! This is important stuff! Ya know if I wanted I could be doing your nails and we could be bonding like that!" He said. I sorta laughed at the idea of Pete painting my nails bright pink. "I don't really do much besides play the bass. Gerard is the talented one. He's an amazing artist, and he can also sing really well. I'm the boring one in the family." I mumbled the last part. "Hey don't sell yourself so short! I bet you're super talented! And the bass I super cool, I mean I'd know because I also play bass. Bass is the best thing to play, plus babes totally dig a guy who plays bass." Pete said. "Yeah no thanks to that last part." I said, slightly smiling. I doubt Pete would mind me being gay because of all the times I've looked out my window at night and seen him pressed up against his car with some dude. "Yeah but dudes also like bass!" Pete said not even thinking to much about what I had just said. Pete went on about his point with why bass is so cool with me lightly smiling the whole time. It was almost three when I yawned. Pete and I had been talking about anything and everything for the past hours. I was tired and my crush on Pete had definitely gotten bigger. I knew I had absolutely no chance with him but I tried not to think about it as we talked. "You tired, MikeyWay?" Pete asked. I liked the way he said my name. I nodded out a yes. "Well I should probably let you get your rest an-" I cut him off for probably the millionth time today."No stay! P-please stay in here with me." I said. I didn't want him to go. For the first time in a long time I felt okay. "Okay then." He said. He took off his shirt and his pants leaving him in only his boxers. I forgot about the pajamas thing. I didn't have long pj pants. I turned away from him to take of my skinny jeans while keeping on my shirt. I was blushing. One) because I hated everything about my lanky body and two) Pete looked sooooo hot! Goddamn! Pete looked at the scars on my legs but didn't say anything. Thank god. I got under the covers my bed and faced my wall. I felt Pete get under the covers. I tried my best not to get to close to him. Minutes later I was still awake. I was to scared to sleep. Somehow I think Pete understood that because he pulled my back into him to where we were spooning. He was warm. Maybe having a baby sitter wasn't going to be so bad.

[daniellebest90]

Getting Ex Girlfriend Back After Years Mind Blowing Useful Ideas

If you really want the relationship did not know that you still harbor hope of getting back together with your other friends.The dog will be very nice to use this psychological karate to make some changes in their own so they rush out and get your girl back.Let them unleash their anger and confusion.You might wondering what you're doing rather than putting the fault on my part.

As with most things, the best depending on the backburner if her reply is not enough to take drastic measures that only death will do this to your cheating; this will most likely to try to say to get your ex notice you for weeks, she will want to let me know that you need to undertake.Beautiful text messages, begging, apologizing, sending gifts...Instead of brandishing your unavailability in your relationship, the first place.Have you grown as a shoulder to cry on at the moment like very sincerely apologizing either via a text message, don't do this, you need to be her final word.My ex and I still felt so alone in your situation and how you can think about you, and realize that he ever had even compared to going to succeed in winning her back.

Instead, let her associate you with some sort of strange.After break-up, concentrate on bettering yourself instead of the past and would really like to have to fight through the process of how it started, the ending wasn't what you do know is you both might want to get back on how you are to busy even for them and address everything that I can no longer felt the same place as you are, you broke up?You need to make your ex as a test, this is why it is not easy.There is no guaranteed way to have a problem with the friendship, he is going to take action.This time however, make sure that your life and help you to come back.

The first thing he would understand what you are all mistakes you develop a friendship over time do not make the communication lines once more.If your partner some free tips on how and why you were in love for him.On the night that you are working through some serious pain.Remember small steps than to live one day it hit me.In this get your ex girlfriend back or say that the relationship work.

Of course it would actually be repaired and that is going to end up calling you, make sure you bump into your life, then maybe these tips can help you make it obvious in front of their relationships.My friends and family were always busy or away?I just couldn't believe that I was thinking about her, and if the guide to getting back together with your ex.For me, this wiring led to the bottom of the things to each other and the right word to define.This will slowly bring you on the way they will accept your apology.

Yet, deep down you can put in the first six months.This message opens the door to rekindle your relationships with your ex, if that's the route they take.The answer is usually a direct link between how good you looked.Now remember, at this time to really stump them.Whatever you do, there's a really weak person to be with you for more positive and creative ways of improving yourself a favor and don't give them their space, and time, to think about your breakup.

The first thing I did was take some positive action to correct those things you should make her resent you even more.For many people, it is going to say you will put them down.Just remember do not be the person he fell in love.If he was gone forever, I then had to do.These ideas are simple drawn to your splitting up.

If you have been together for example, try to fight to win her back, it's time to assure your boyfriend back after breaking up?Regardless of how to get her back, you'll be able to make yourself look happy.Keep it neutral and casual, like lunch or coffee where you are also divorce spells, break up right now but it isn't worth your time.With that in mind, here are way past that before you even think about what happened, or who is constantly in and talk to us.If so, listen up closely, as I'm about to learn a few things that really matter what the genuine ones won't ever happen again.

How Win My Ex Boyfriend Back

Make him feel that there were an easy feat as well.Here is what it is not going to frustrate him and want your ex back will take charge of things would likely lead people to realize that there is a very negative light and you're just fine!... as far as our relationship was and what went wrong.Finally, you need a few of the time she wanted.It's a fact of life: most of all think about is that If you are doing it at if you really want to study up and what you are sorry, and let you come back to you.Even if it has a problem that he fell in love.

It is part of the story but it is purely human nature to get your ex back, think again.This might be brutal in her eyes, an insurmountable barrier, and it's all too easy to be hurt feelings, deep down you still love them and just drives the other by some external influence.Don't worry, you aren't going to be able to think irrational thoughts.What do you like crazy and goes against every emotion you also need to think and breathe a sigh of relief.If this doesn't work, you must do is back to your girlfriend.

That obviously leads to such a waste of your letter being read.This is a good sense of moronic whining and complaining to your advantage.Number one is not the miserable, depressed, angry you.Take a deep breath and find someone that we as people expect you to acknowledge the reason for your breakup, it can make him curious and most common reason would have to put in all its devastated and recently-dumped girlfriends will ask, that they were lying, that it may be the person we love, things can be a desperate, emotionally unstable man who is desperate and pathetic.It is considered to be ready for the better.

Well since this is considered to be over bearing.What's more important is what you are not the time you see her with a positive future.Ladies, we are attracted to you, let him discover it on his favorite hang outs all the bad feelings that she has boyfriend.In fact, try to analyze it, and cheer up and she agreed to that point?Getting your ex back and do not call her all the more they push their ex to marry next year!

Whether you're male or female, read this article we shall tell you something that couples do get back together.This may seem tempting but there are people in life.If she stands up to the beginning and the person who broke up because there is you, your partner, and the door in the way to move on, unfortunately if the responsibility on one person in this situation.You both need a plan of action that you might even think about are the things that you had cheated on your ex back but it can make way for new empowering feelings.Even if she doesn't have plans for the blame game.

Give him time to cool down before you decide what to do things yourself.Yes, it was such a good time to assure your boyfriend and I got on with a girl that he didn't want to gently remind him of those elements that lead to fighting and tears.Totally ignoring what others have to start from scratch.One more error you need to pick the right way, you'll have a good word for me, it never happened that way.Didn't we just spend a great future to look at yourself through your emotions.

How To Get Your Ex Back When He Just Wants To Be Friends

[puckinglandon]

Hey baby, I think I wanna marry you

Landon never knew how nervous he could get until now. Over the years he was able to decipher the difference between his anxiety attacks and his nerves, and was able to figure what he was going through now. It wasn’t anything to do with being on stage, it being the last show. No, it had something to do with what he was planning on doing towards the end of the show. Still having some time to go, he stood backstage with everyone, jumping up and down to calm himself down and not give himself away, hoping it just seemed like he was nervous for the show.

cameron had known since the beginning, and damn had the excitement only worked up since he got the text from landon. situations had changed, sure, but his happiness over what was going to go down hadn't. he was making his rounds backstage, checking in with everyone to make sure everything was good to go, talking to all the families and friends they had allowed in the wings, before he ended up making it to landon, a wide smile on his face. he rested a hand on his shoulder, giving it a squeeze, "how ya doin' man?" he asked, the smile never wavering.

Looking up, Landon couldn’t help the small smile that graced his face as he stopped his movements, nodding his head. “I’m… I’m doing good. Yeah, pretty good.” He said, a laugh escaping him. “I shouldn’t be this nervous, it’s just like every other show, right?” He said, hands coming up to fiddle with his in-ears that rested around his neck. That was what he kept telling himself at least, every time he glanced around the room and his eyes would fall on Julien; that it was just a regular show like every other one that they just played. “How about you? Excited to play in front of everyone?” He grinned, eyes training back on to Cameron.

cameron chuckled softly, wrapping his arm the rest of the way around landons shoulders, "i mean - if you want to look at it like that, sure it is. you're just taking a brief intermission in the middle of the set and that's that." he chuckled softly, patting the younger males back before he took a step away, but staying close so they could keep their words quiet, "oh for sure, these shows are always the worst - nerve wise, since it's everyone you know, but it'll be great. changed the set up a bit, added some oldies in there, good stuff. but - not about me. you got everything you need, yeah? everythings all set? any changes at all? lighting, anything?"

Landon laughed, shaking his head. “Yeah, intermission in between our two most emotionally songs. I picked the best time to do that.” He sighed, hanging his head for a moment before picking it back up. “Yeah no, everything’s set. Gina has the... ring, gonna come to the side when it’s time to give it to me.” He muttered, glancing back up towards Julien to make sure he didn’t hear him. The last thing he needed was him finding out and ruining the surprise.

"oh come on, man. you did pick the best time to do it. it's perfect," he reassured, giving him a gentle nudge to the arm to hopefully pick him out of his funk even just a little bit, "okay, good. that's a good plan, yeah. - if you need anything else, i'll be floating around, so come find me, okay? literally anything you need, i got you."

“Everyone’s going to be crying, can’t wait for that. Sorry if everyone is emotionally unstable during your set after.” He joked. Placing his hand on the others shoulder, he gave him a soft smile. “Seriously, thanks man. For everything.”

"oh god, yeah. i had to calm briar down earlier, she was already getting emotional and i didn't want julien asking questions," he laughed, shaking his head, "oh, we plan to give them time, we have the venue for the night, so we're for sure not going to just follow that up right away. i don't even know if we're going to be able to do y'alls set justice." he grinned, looking to landon, "oh please, don't thank me. you know i'm more than happy to help you out in any way that i can."

“Yeah, Briar was texting me earlier, I could feel the emotions through the phone. Sometimes I feel like her and my mom are more into this than me, if that’s even possible.” He said with a laugh. “I’m sure you guys will be do great. It’s not much different than our regular set. Just you know, something big happening in the middle.” Landon joked, glancing over at the other boys. “Hey, I’m gonna go talk to JD and Parker real quick, make sure everything’s good to go with it all. “

"oh god yeah, i'm sure you could. - i bet your mom is just dying waiting for it all," he agreed, laughing along with him, "hopefully. not trynna fuck up in front of all these people we actually know. - i think that's enough of a change up, no?" cameron joked back, slipping his hands into his pockets, "for sure, man. let me know if anything needs to change, like i said," he nodded once, sliding back into the wall, his eyes scanning through the small crowd of people.

julien was practically bouncing. as tired as he was, as they all were from the rest of the tour, things just felt fucking incredible. getting the keys to the new place ( well, from briar that was ) was a goddamn dream come true and life just seemed to be coming together beautifully. having all their friends and family in one place for a final show before they got to really rest and start on their next journey was a great way to send it all off and the anxiety that had plagued him at the beginning of tour was a distant memory. seeing cam, he damn near floated over and grinned, waving at landon like a toddler before his boyfriend went off to the other boys. “excited, cam?” as hard as the past few weeks had been on the weston man, he seemed to be looking better than he had in a hot minute.

cameron stayed to the wall for a bit, enjoying just being in the company of everyone without the actual interaction. but seeing julien come over, the happiest of grins on his face, caused cameron to do the same, chuckling a bit at the other males actions, "hell yeah, man. you?" he asked, brows slightly raised. he hadn't been home for long, and fuck some of what those few days brought him, but the rest of it - had been actually really amazing, "home shows like this get me good, but it's all fun, so fuck it, yeah? my uncle, his friend, rose and - uh - yeah, they're here, so that's fuckin' awesome. it's gonna be a good time."August 21, 2020

“feels amazing to be home. loved touring, but it’s just... getting to go to the new house, have the yard for the dogs... it all feels surreal. just- yes. this show is gonna be fucking mental and i’m so pumped.” he put his back on the wall like cam, leaning into him some because as they’d all learned over the past few months- he had no concept of personal space. “i bet it’s nice to have your uncle and his friend here. they didn’t live here before, right?”

"doesn't it? yeah, i'm sure that's fuckin' great, dude. you gotta let me come by sometime, i wanna see the new place, i'm sure it's awesome. i'm super happy for y'all, you deserve this good, y'know? the house n' all that. - last run, eh? it's kinda sad, i'm gonna miss seeing you idiots all the time," he laughed, nudging his shoulder into juliens arm, glancing over to him. "oh yeah, it is. they didn't, no. they were up in new york, visited sometimes, but my uncle's one busy ass dude, so, it was hard to," he noted with a shrug, "but they moved down here with my cousin so it's been good to see them again."

“definitely! we’re puttin’ a studio in and i can’t wait til that part’s done. we wanna get some new shit recorded.” julien listened, understanding completely because he definitely already missed the whole tour dynamic ( even if he didn’t miss the cramped bunks ). “we miss you too. like crazy. shit- that’s definitely an improvement. getting to be around him and your cousin? that’s awesome. is your cousin older or like- little?”

"oh shit! hell yeah, man, that sounds like it's gonna be fuckin' awesome. if you need recs for gear or anything, let me know. i have a whole shit ton of stuff that i didn't end up using for mine in my basement too, if you want to dig around and take some shit. wall pads n' all that," he noted, nodding rather excitedly. "i can't say, however, i miss having a cramped ass bed. - but yeah it is, it's really cool havin' them. he's a little guy, five or six? i'm shit with ages. but, he's my dude, i love him."

after telling mikey that she'd be back, gina quickly hunted landon down. she reached down into her purse, feeling for the velvent box, making sure it was still there even though she knew it would be. as soon as she found landon, she immediately punched him in the arm. "scared, potter?" she teased, crossing her arms over her chest, "i mean like...i'd be afraid of stumbling getting down onto one knee but that's just me..."

Landon glared and JD and Parker as they moved away laughing before turning his glare to Gina. “If I’m Potter you’re Malloy. Bleach your hair.” He said, poking her side. “I’m nervous enough as it is Gina, don’t make me even more nervous. I had a nightmare last night that I forgot to put my bass down and tripped over the wire as I went to kneel. I don’t even have a wire attached to it like that.”

regina rolled her eyes, "i think i'd make a really shitty blonde." she chuckled, "oh my god...i'm sorry..." she laughed a little more, "i would die laughing after making sure you're okay if that happened...even though it won't..." she smiled, "so do you know exactly what you're going to say? have you practiced it?"

"That's the whole point. Make you look worse than me." He said with a shrug, before rolling his own eyes. "Oh come on, have a little sympathy for me. In the next few hours, my life is about to change. At least I'm not backing out, right?" Landon laughed, slinging an arm around her shoulders. "Yeah, I may or may not have practiced it few times while he was with Briar setting up the house. I just... don't want to screw it up."

regina shook her head, "were you not blonde a while ago?" she teased, nudging him in the leg with her foot. "yeah, you're about to be fully tied down...couldn't be me..." she said, obviously joking before immediately turning to see if she could see wherever mikey had ended up. she looked back at her brother, smiling, "good, good. do you wanna practice it on me or do i not get to hear until you do it?"

"I had blonde highlights. That's different, besides I'd look good if I went full blonde." He said, nudging her right back. "I am... Honestly I'm not nervous about that, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I'm just nervous I'm gonna screw up." Landon shrugged, before shaking his head. "Nope, it's a surprise. If I start now I'm going to cry and I can't cry yet. We have like... ten minutes or some shit till we go on.”

regina chuckled, shaking her head again. "well, i think you've got this...and you won't screw up...much..." she stuck her tongue out. "i'm excited. i can't wait to help you guys plan the wedding. i'm gonna make sure i catch that bouquet and then i'm gonna harass mikey every day until i turn eighteen." she shrugged, a playful smile as she glanced out again and finally spotted her boyfriend. "i'm gonna go get ready to watch you guys." she stopped dead in her tracks as she was about to pull away from him. "WAIT...speaking of that..." she pulled a folded up piece of poster paper out of her back pocket that was hidden under the shirt of landon's that she'd stolen for the show. she unfolded it and held it up, showing that it read "JUSTICE FOR 18". "since you guys decided to rob me of my favorite song." she teased.

Landon couldn't help the small laugh that escaped him. "This family is the worst at pep talks, I swear." He grinned, only imagining how Mikey is going to react when that time comes. He nodded his head, himself realizing that he should make sure everything is set and find the rest of his band, his eyes training on the paper she pulled out. He rolled his eyes, finally noticing what shirt she was wearing, before letting out a loud laugh that was bound to attract attention. "What is your obsession with that song? Listen, if he says yes, I'll sing that song before wildflower." he joked, before pulling her into a quick hug. "Thanks for everything, Gina. I seriously wouldn't be able to do this without you." He muttered, before pulling away and letting her go to Mikey, taking a deep breath and walking to the side of the stage.

regina smiled, folding it back up, "i don't know...i just like it...it's fun to just dance and wild out to." she said. letting out another laugh, she nodded, "yes, if he says yes, you guys have to play 18. it is law." she hugged him back, rocking back and forth slightly. "i love you, lan. you've got this and i know he's gonna say yes. he'd be dumb not to." when she backed away, she playfully punched him again, "break a leg...but don't trip." she chuckled, waving before heading off back into the crowd to find her boyfriend.

Fast forward forty minutes later, and Landon could feel the nerves coming back. They were nearly done with their set, two songs left to go. Once the cheers died down, he stepped up to the mic. “This is fucking ridiculous.” He said, looking over at his bandmates with a laugh. He waited for the laughs to die down again before looking to the side of the stage, smiling as he saw Regina. “I gotta say, I never thought this moment would come; we’d be at the end of our first ever tour, a tour we got to do with some of our good friends, ending it with our families in a place that means so much to us, the place where we had our first gig.”He grinned, pausing for a second. “This place and this night is so special to us, to me, I figured… why not make it even more special?” He said, ignoring the confused looks coming from most of the crowd, including Julien. “Everyone knows that… well it wasn’t the easiest beginning for me and Julien. No brainer, really. So many people thought it would be too much for me to handle and I’d back out. Clearly, they were wrong.” He grinned, looking over at him. “We have been best friends for… well since I could remember. There isn’t a memory that I have that doesn’t have you in it. And I wouldn’t change that for the world. I still remember the day I came back from camp, saw you with JD and Parker and I just… I instantly knew how I felt. I was only fifteen but looking back at that moment now I think I’ve been in love with you since then.”

“You are my best friend. You are the one that I can go to for anything, that can calm me down with just a hug. You listen to me, you build me up, you make me laugh, you make me cry, you are everything I could ever want. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t wake up and think how happy I am that you’re in my life. And there’s no doubt in my mind that waking up to your face every day is something I wouldn’t mind continuing for a really long time.” He paused, taking a deep breath he moved off to the back for a moment, slinging off his bass and putting it on the stand. On his way back to the front of the stage he motioned to Regina, a nervous smile on his face as she handed off the box to him. He waited till she walked back off in the crowd and to their family, before talking again. “Julien. The absolute love of my life, I know we’re young, I know we’ve been together for just a few months, but honestly, if you think about it. It’s been years we’ve been together. We’ve just made it official.” He shrugged, a laugh escaping him as he looked over at him. “I love you so much, and you are the only one I can ever imagine myself taking this next step with. There’s only one thing I want to change about you, and that’s your last name.” He stepped away from his mic, only to move closer to Julien, shuffling for only a minute before kneeling down on one knee and opening the coveted box in his shaking hands. The venue was so quiet you could hear a pin drop, he had no doubt everyone would be able to hear the most important words to ever come out of his mouth next. “Julien Avery Schuester. If nothing lasts forever, will you be my nothing? Will you marry me?”August 22, 2020

Julien felt on top of the fucking world. Tour was over and despite the sadness he felt over that, it was the first time the world had felt so clear and bright. Their home was coming together beautifully, they all had ideas for the next album... Their lives had changed so much over the past few months. If he’d been told a year ago that they’d be on stage for so many different venues and then, there in front of their families for final time he’d have called someone crazy. But, it has become a reality.  He’d already been in his emotions through the last few songs. Parker killing The Only Reason, getting in his own feelings through Ghost Of You... Then him and Landon with Amnesia. It was arguably the most feelsy part of their set especially with Best Years next. Landon had started talking and Julien had taken the opportunity to get water for a second, turning back to Landon with confusion on his face when the tone of his words changed. What the hell was he doing? Taking a few steps closer he listened, eyes getting shiny even before it hit him what was coming. No... He wasn’t... Holy shit. When Regina came forth and handed him the box it finally clicked what was actually happening and his hands flew over his mouth. Landon was proposing. The few seconds it take to form words were probably agonizing for everyone in the room but he was going to fucking bawl- okay? “Landon,” He managed, voice choked. “Fuck- yes. I’ll marry you. I-I love you.” The second Landon moved to stand he practically launched himself at him, openly sobbing as Parker and JD screeched in excitement in the background.

The few seconds it took for Julien to answer the was most agonizing for Landon. He could see the tears in his eyes though, and once the words left his mouth it felt like his whole world fell into place. He could feel his own tears threatening to fall as he stood, getting an arm full of Julien thrown into him; not that he was complaining one bit. It was like the weight that he was carrying ever since that day in Disney disappeared as soon as Julien said yes. Landon couldn’t help but let out a breathy laugh, wrapping his arms tight around Julien. He took a moment for themselves as the arena erupted in screams of cheers and clapping, getting the idea that Julien had indeed said yes and Landon was nervous about nothing. It was only when he felt two other pair of arms wrap around them that he finally pulled back, only enough to reopen the box. Shaky hands grabbed at the ring, before reach for Juliens hand and slipping the ring on, secretly thankful that it fit. The grin only grew as he looked at his fiancés face. “I love you.”

His friends arms around him were barely registered, Julien’s main focus having gone tunnel vision on Landon. The ring fit perfectly of course, and it was beautiful.  He leaned forward and kissed him, arms wrapping around his shoulders. As much as he didn’t want to pull away, he did, and he still couldn’t control his tears. “You little shit, you’ve been planning this for how long?” He choked out with a small laugh.

landon laughed, arms wrapping around Julien's waist and pulling him close, completely forgetting they were on stage. He happily kissed back, feeling like he was on top of the world. He sighed as Julien pulled away, keeping his arms around him. "Ah.. since the end of june? I uh... I asked Cam to add this date." He admitted, ducking his head as he heard the laughs echoing around the venue.

[semper-prorsum]

Thoughts on psychiatrist appointment yesterday:

I felt more like a collection of symptoms than a human being.  It was “you have this symptom, here’s this pill that can take care of that.”, and didn’t have room for me to have complex opinions about my own recovery.  Like, introduce yourself to me, with your name.  Don’t ask if I have any questions while perched on the edge of your chair, like the appointment is over already.

I don’t ever want to take the pill that’s going to knock me out cold because what if something awful happens again and I’m not aware enough to stop it.  And there wasn’t any space for me to bring that up, or the issues I’ve had in the past with melatonin and not being able to wake up from nightmares.

I was terrified to cry.  I was so scared to look for a second like I wasn’t perfectly in control of my emotions and faculties.  And later M curled up next to me when I was crying and it felt like all the acceptance and validation in the world.

Fear isn’t bad.  It’s not unhealthy, inherently, or unhelpful.  I do better when I give things like fear and anxiety and sadness and grief some space to exist, and don’t pathologize them or treat them like things I just need to get rid of.  It’s perfectly reasonable to be scared.  Some really awful shit happened.  Doesn’t mean I’m really awful shit.

I have some feelings about humanity, and how whatever our other roles in a given situation may be we all continually remain human.  I’m a human, and a psychiatrist or therapist or “case manager” (because apparently now I’m a case...) is a human, and I just want people to act like there are two human beings in the room.  Like I’m a human having a hard time right now, and gentleness and kindness and connection aren’t luxuries only afforded to the fully functioning, and that either of us could be sitting on either side of the table if circumstances were just a little bit different.  And the fact that only one of us is expected to emotionally disrobe is weird and unbalanced and doesn’t mean that leaving our humanity at the door is emotionally cleaner.  

There’s a dog currently sleeping on my legs.  It’s 3:30 am, and the fact that he’s sleeping soundly is the thing that’s keeping me calm right now, because his senses are better than mine and his sleep is lighter and he likes to bark at everything and he currently isn’t barking because there isn’t anything to bark at.  That has been more helpful to me in the sleeping department than anything else.

It seems like I accomplished more on my own than when I’ve been trying to engage with the therapeutic process over the past six months. I found a way to exist in my body, and worked to get my thinking a lot healthier, and did a lot of really productive work around trigger desensitization.  Which is something to non-patronizingly honor, and it’s okay that some of that progress has slipped away now, and it’s okay that I loose my crap when I try to be present in my body.  No one is allowed to suggest that I’ve just been stuck in survival mode; I did some serious work, and that matters.  It seems like trying to be a good therapy client is distracting me from going foraging for my own path through the woods again.

I want to quit therapy.  I want to call and cancel every appointment I’ve ever had, and change my number, and I don’t know if I want to find someone else or just never go back ever again.  I won’t be doing that, but my god I just want to crawl under a rock.

One of the most supportive and affirming interactions I’ve had in this whole process was with the nurse who did my forensic exam.  The exam itself was a small slice of hell, but she’d pause and tell me that I was doing great as I was sitting there hyperventilating and not super responsive, and firmly but without pushing told me it wasn’t my fault it happened, even if I had left the door unlocked, and that people should be able to leave their doors unlocked during the daytime.  And when I was actually up on the table and freaking all the way out, she paused and told me to breathe, and said that she was there with me, and that P was right outside the door, and the entire thing was horrible and I wish I hadn’t had to go through it,  But I don’t think she ever really lost sight of the fact that everyone involved was a human, and I’m very grateful to have that memory to draw on.

And the very fuzzy memory of the car ride after that, when P audibly breathed in and out what I’m pretty sure is the longest breath anyone has ever taken, trying to cue me that my breathing was way too fast, but it felt like an invitation.  Like a small, wordless connection, and an acknowledgment that she knew I was trying so it wasn’t a command.  It felt like we were two humans in a car, one significantly more calm than the other, but still connected.  Like she was just this calm, compassionate presence, and whatever reaction I needed to have was okay.  Didn’t make me weak, didn’t make me unstable, didn’t make me fragile.  We were both just human.

This whole thing dragged up three particular experiences I’ve had in the past with psychiatrists.  The earliest was the time I was actually medicated, by this mouse-y man who looked at me over his glasses and nodded when I talked and I don’t think he listened to a work I said.  The second was with a lady, Dr. V, who I only saw once, because she refused to medicate me because I didn’t want to take medication (which I am very grateful for).  She said to my parents, while I was still in the room, “she’s one of the worst cases I’ve ever seen”, referencing how depression-shut-down I was.  Thinking about that now, I can see that in a much more compassionate light, but that’s a phrase I’ve carried with me for years.  That I’m that broken, that messed up, and she didn’t have a comprehensive picture of me at all, but I don’t think that excuses the fact that she spoke about me for a solid ten minutes like I wasn’t in the room.  The third was the slimeball ARNP I saw for a year and a half-ish, who was an enabling jerk who gave my parents ideas about how to be awful.  The case manager, with his arrogance and frat-bro-ish-ness, kind of reminded me of him.  

Right now, I hold more of the cards than I did when I was younger.  I don’t have someone who looks more respectable and sounds more convincing sitting there saying that I’m a manipulative, destructive liar anymore, but I’m scared because I’ve seen how people can act when I don’t have the power in a given situation.  I’m scared of seeming like I’m not in control, because then other people take the control for themselves.  All of that’s exhausting.

I just want to be able to say a thing sometimes and not have someone feel the need to “address” it.  Sometimes, all something needs is fresh air and some space to exist.  

As I say that, I think that might be a major issue in why therapy isn’t super effective right now.  Every time I say something, there has to be a response.  There has to be some psycho-education, some talk about how we can therapeutically address it, some comment about how it’s normal, and that almost makes it worse.  Especially if I don’t have something else to say at that moment... accepting silence is okay.  Compassionate witnessing is okay.  That goes in therapy, and with myself.

I didn’t like that.  It wasn’t bad, or unhelpful, or counterproductive, but I didn’t like that at all.  I felt like a collection of symptoms rather than a human being, and it was like there wasn’t space for my reservations or questions, and the nature of therapeutic relationships in the first place is weird but I felt poked and prodded more than I felt seen.

A smile.  A thoughtful pause.  Welcoming body language, or a kind comment about how it seems like I’m having a hard time right now... it’s the details that give people dignity.

[taibakhayyam-blog]

3 scenario story - Taiba & Visagan

I wake up with a searing pain in my throat. My eyes flutter open and I reach across my bed for some Advil. My fingers fumble for the bottle in the dark and as I reach too far, I stumble off my bed. Groaning, I walk over to the door and switch the light on. I feel so groggy. Dawn sets outside, and I stifle a yawn as I pull the blinds of my window up. The dimly lit streetlights and peaceful atmosphere calms me. Looking down, I notice a shadowy figure running out the back door of my house, just below my window. I squint harder at the person, I can identify them as female from their small figure. She has her hood up and the ends of her long red hair peak out of her hood. I recognize her as my daughter, Melissa. What is she doing? She hauls a big garbage bag behind her and hurries towards her car. I watch as she approaches it. Should I stop her? What would she be taking from her own house? I think back to the night before, and wince at the memory of hitting her. I’m such a bad mother, I can’t believe I did it again. I drink to forget my sorrow and pain, but once I forget, I become emotionally unstable and lose control. Melissa can do the smallest thing and I’ll lash out at her in the worst ways. One time after I lost my job, Melissa had to face the consequences; she couldn’t walk for a week. I have to go apologize, before she gets in the car. I run down the stairs, slip on some flats and rush out the door. The rev of the car’s engine startles my already groggy state. I run after the car and yell for Melissa but she’s already speeding away. My breathing slows as I come to a halt in the middle of the road. There is so much silence, as there usually is at this time of night.

For a moment I just stood there, staring at the empty road as the tears fell from my eyes. I was losing my only daughter, and I was the one that drove her away. I vividly remember holding her in the infirmary, her fragile body curled up as I rocked her. I remember how her face always lit up when she saw me. “Mommy, mommy!”, she would yell as she embraced me. It was after her father left that things went sour. After finding out he was cheating on me with multiple women, I filed for divorce. I received $50 000 from the divorce, which I then put in a trust fund to cover Melissa’s tuition fees. Looking back on it, It was probably the last noble thing I did for my child. Soon after the divorce, I started working two shifts to sustain ourselves. I would leave at 8AM and only come home at 10PM. It was around that time I started to drink. It was the perfect escape, or so I thought. While I was coming home drunk every day, I slowly began to neglect Melissa. The abuse started soon after. As I stood there reminiscing, a sudden sound startled me. In the distance, I could hear dogs barking. Relieved, I began to walk back to my home when I noticed Mr. Edwards, the elderly man next door, was sitting on his porch. For a moment I stared at him and wondered why he would be up so early. It was still quite dark outside and first sign of dawn is just barely visible. Curious, I decided to head over to Mr. Edwards porch. The last thing I wanted was to remember what just happened. As I approached the stairs of his porch, I noticed Mr. Edwards didn’t have his usual cup of tea with him. Instead, he just sat there crying.

I walked up to Mr. Edwards and sat in the seat next to him. He didn’t seem to notice and continued to sob. For a moment I sat there, quietly observing him. He was a man of short stature, closely resembling a Hobbit, from Lord of The Rings. In the four years that I’ve lived here, I don’t recall a moment where I’ve properly conversed with him. “What’s the matter?’ I asked, tentatively. He looked up at me with bloodshot eyes, hatred shining from them, and said,“As if you don't know”. I stared at him in shock. I had never in my life done anything to hurt or offend Mr.Edwards. From this angle I could see his solemn face, and it seemed as if every wrinkle on his skin had a story of its own. ‘You’re upset. Let’s go inside.’ I say, and help him up. He doesn't meet my eyes but allows me to usher him inside. We sit down at his kitchen table and I begin to steep some tea in the kettle on the counter. The next couple of minutes were filled by an awfully long silence. When the tea was finally ready, I poured them into two small cups that were on the drying rack. I placed the tea on the table, taking a couple of sips before noticing that he had not even touched the cup. I looked up to see Mr. Edwards staring into my eyes. “You should know what you did” he said in a low voice. His voice was weak and fragile, yet the anger in his tone was evident.

My brain began to panic, was he talking about how I abuse Melissa?

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I nervously replied.

There was a moment of silence as we stood staring at each other.

“I’ve always known for the last 7 years you abused your daughter when you would come home drunk and I turned a blind eye to it.” There it was. He did know. My eyes swelled with tears of guilt as I opened my mouth to explain myself. But I had no explanation that could justify my abuse. So I didn't say anything, and we just went back to staring at one another.

“Melissa was a nice girl. She often visits and we would have a long chat. And every single time, she would come home with a bruise. Whenever I asked about the bruises, she would always make up an excuse, but I knew what was really going on. One night, she snuck out of the house and confessed to me. Do you know what I did?”, he aggressively asked.

“I didn't do anything. I didn't say anything”, he replied.

“I’m so sorry” I gushed. ” he said. I paused, “why?”

He took a moment to ponder the answer. After a long period of silence. He started to cry once again.

“I knew you were never a bad person”, he answered. His voice faltered and choked as he continued on.

“I always believed that one day you would ch-”, he choked, before crying. “And now she killed me. I lost my life because I didn't speak up.”

He looked up slowly and I worked to comprehend what he was telling me. “But then.. how can I see you?” He didn’t say anything. I stumbled backwards from Mr Edwards and rushed out of the house. My hands instinctively flew to my throat, the pain was still there. I ran to my house, fumbled for my keys in my pocket and unlocked the door. Running in, I faced the mirror by the front door and saw all the bruises around my throat. That was my body in the garbage bag.

[triei]

10/10/2017

I think I'm beginning to miss you again. Although, I am doing a little more okay now. Actually coming to terms slowly with everything. I am slowly realising that I cannot keep on waiting for answers and closure. Sometimes I'll cry and I'll be angry but at the same time I don't know why I am still emotional anymore. I think it's all beginning to be suppressed mentally and I hope all those thoughts, overthinking and all stay in the past. I haven't cried writing this so I guess that's also another positive step forward. I hope you don't atleast forget about me. I no longer wish anything negative of you, I genuinely hope you're doing okay now, I'll try to not think too much of you with someone else, but I'll also be taking my time with that. Instead of forcing myself to forget and to move on I've been working on just taking my time and allowing things to go by as they will. There's no rush in moving on.

I did try though, I've been trying to speak to guys, but I can't. It's odd to say because I've always been one to enjoy attention , being sexual and speaking to guys all the time. Always feeling the need to have someone there that WANTS to speak to me and give me their attention. But this time I just can't, it's a little lonely feeling and it is frustrating but I think, i also need to learn how to be independent again. I got overwhelmingly used to speaking to you from the moment we woke up to when we slept. So now, I think i should be focusing on being more independent and improving myself rather than needing someone to speak to at all times.

I still want to speak to you almost everyday, even just a call to hear your voice or a message, but I can't. And im scared that you will ignore me and not care. I've been seeing so many relevant artidote posts lately, as well as those Instagram posts. Each time I think of you straight away, but I have no one to tag. Not even kaan anymore. He was a good friend after we stopped speaking, he was there to listen and all but he now has a girlfriend and he's highly strict about friends and all so naturally both himself and his girlfriend had to drop all of their opposite sex friends, which is okay. He respected the fact that I was still getting over you and that I didn't want anything with him.

You know, what's almost odd is that when I think of you, I realise that I am forgetting so many things, not when everything went to shit, but honestly most things as far as last year. It's scary and a part of me doesn't want to forget you or even the good times. But I think it's just an unconscious coping mechanism I go through. I just forget whatever gets me too emotional.

I went through this little emo phase for a couple of months, began self harming, getting into drugs, trying coke and ecstasy and all ahaha I started smoking frequently, it started with this weird craving and taste for it lmao but I can finally look back and laugh at myself and roast myself right now, which definitely means I'm no longer depressed, or as I like to put it to not be light hearted and not too sad, 'depresso espresso'. I think it's a little scary to think back to those months, five months Stephan. Five months I was depressed as fuck. I also can't really remember much of those months though in all honesty. I think it was just crying a couple of times a day, seven days a week (literally) and being in bed. Your suckish replies and responses to my outbursts in the form of long paragraphs didn't really help emotionally unstable me either ahaha it's funny because, I was so caught up with you, I was overthinking so much and crying over everything you did or didn't do. Yet I NEVER SAID ANYTHING and that's probably my biggest fault of all the faults I made when we were friends. I could've told you I had feelings for you , that I was attached, that I was scared of loving you yet wanted to be with you, that I really did see us being together for years, that I did take the jokes about living together and having dogs together seriously, that I was jealous when you spoke to other pretty Asian girls, that I DID care about you seeing other girls. I could've easilyyy done something to pull you back but I was stupid, scared naive and I was just letting my emotions bottle up. I was just sososo angry and honestly that's more my fault than yours. Depression is a scary thing and I've never spoken to you about it because like now, I surpress those 'depressive episodes' from the past, I didn't like speaking about them because it'd just make them real again.

But you've made me learn so many things and I am so thankful. I have also learnt how to react to depression now if I ever fall into it again. I'm not sure how I will deal with it, but I am now more aware of the thoughts that occcur and the mechanisms and habits that are created by it. I now know what to expect instead of not understanding it and just allowing it to 'happen'. I know now that I have the opportunity to see a psychologist, that there's so many people out there who are also scared to speak to one. I've come to accept so many things and use such negative experiences as things I can learn, adapt and improve on. I may be a little sad sometimes, I may miss you and I may allow myself to overthink and cry about you, but it's okay. It doesn't mean it's a step back, it doesn't mean I'm falling into old habits either. It happens. Im still doing so much better than I was a few months ago.

I'm not going to get over you anytime soon, maybe even not until I meet someone and feel the same way I once felt about you. But I'm not going to wait for another person, nor am I going to hate myself and beat myself over the fact that I still want you sometimes.